Tangled up in blue

"I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone

why I'm a stranger in my own life..."

Sheryl Crow, "Everyday is a Winding Road"

This song has been going through my head now for several weeks and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at all of the people in my life. I see people moving forward with new jobs, new loves, new marriages...and I feel separate and stagnant. Which is surprising to me because by going back to school I am making strides to move my life in the direction I want it to go, and yet, I feel so lost in my own skin. I have family and friends who love and support me; I have a strong sense of self; I am enjoying the challenges that school has brought me; I find something everyday that makes me really laugh, yet, when I was out last night with some of my best friends and I looked around the table, I felt so lonely. How can it be that in the middle of a crowd of friends I felt utterly alone?

To be perfectly honest, I know what I think I'm missing: a partner. It started this summer when my sister got married. I'm nothing but happy for her, but it brought home the fact that she's marrying for the second time and I'm not even dating someone. I see my friend's relationships deepening and again, it makes me realize that I'm not in one. John is getting married and I'm not even bringing a date to the wedding. And any day now, I expect my brother and his wife to announce that they're having a baby. These are all things I want in my life, and of course, I love seeing them happen for others, but I can't help the tiny spark of jealousy. I'm tired of being alone and truthfully, I know that I won't be alone forever, but for now, that's the way it is. So I guess all there is to do is wait for the day when I'm closer to fine.

...there's more than one answer to these questions

pointing me in a crooked line

and the less I seek my source for some definitive

(the less I seek my source)

the closer I am to fine

the closer I am to fine

Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine"

Goin' to the chapel...

My friend John is getting married this Saturday. It's going to be one helluva shindig. JB and I have been friends for almost 10 years. I was working with his older brother who thought he would play matchmaker. John and I went out on exactly two dates, but it just didn't click. We stayed friends and several years later, we dated again, for about 3 months before I moved to Florida. We kept in touch and he visited me several times, but romance just wasn't in the cards, which is perfectly fine, because we are still great buds. We hang out, watch movies, drink beer, play poker, watch football games, talk about everything...I just can't imagine not knowing him.

John is a sweet, funny, incredibly intelligent, nice looking, do-anything-for-you, goofy, smart-assed Polack with a Jersey accent (even though he's lived in KC for almost 20 years). His bride is a beautiful, red-haired, smart, sweet, slightly shy (until you get to know her) woman named Paula. It was very important for JB that Paula and I get along, and much to his chagrin, we hit it off immediately and talk to each other weekly. After they had been dating for several months, I told Paula how cool I thought it was that she wasn't bothered by the fact that JB and I hang out quite a lot...most girlfriends (and boyfriends - my last boyfriend to be specific) aren't so understanding about friendships with the opposite sex. She looked me dead in the eye and said "Well, that's because I'm not threatened by you in the least, Terri." Talk about an ego deflater, but from that moment on, I knew she was perfect for him.

Zdobycz cywilizacji , my friends.

Broncos 30, Chiefs 10

Random things I said during the game:

Fuck. Son of a BITCH. What?! Jesus Christ! Fuck! Are you kidding me?! AUGH! Holy crap! What the fuck was that? Fuck. Where's the flag? WHAT?! Fuck me! Damn, John Lynch is hot. C'mon, guys, this is pathetic. FUCK!! Nice hit! Another flag? Jesus, guys, keep it together! Fuck!!Knock him down! Fuckin' penalties are killing us! We need Willie Roaf back. He was wide open! Whoo-hoo! Fuck! Where's the defense? Fuckin' A, I hate Denver. AUUUUGGGGHHH!!!! Fuck. I hate that God-damn chant. Shit! That was pure shit. Lord, Trent, do something!! SHIT!! I'm gonna need more beer. Fuck, fuck, fuck!!! Dick is gonna light somebody up at half-time. Fuckin' Broncos are kicking our ass...where's my team? Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ! Another penalty? SON OF A BITCH!!!! Fuck!

And that was just the first half.

Putting it all out there

Marie brought up an interesting topic last week: who has access to your blog? She wondered if people's family, friends, etc. read their blogs or if they keep it truly anonymous.

I've thought about that too...wondering after giving the link to people if it would be better to keep my thoughts/ramblings/rants to myself. But after thinking about it, I realized that I want my friends and family to have access to this part of me. I think you show different facets of yourself to different people in your life. I mean, my family sees me one way and my friends see me entirely different. This gives them a look at a new side of me. After giving the link to my mom and sister, a friend told me how brave she thought that was and asked if I thought it would change what I posted here. It hasn't. I still cuss (more than Mere would like, I'm sure) and still talk about sex, drinking, going out. They read it daily and pass the posts onto other people and that's just fine with me. I'm not going to self-censor anything that I put in here and I don't expect anything that I've written to be held against me. This is who I am: all sides of me. My family side, my friend side, my self-doubting side, my self-confident side, my good-Lord-I'm-so-bored-at-work side, my sad side, my funny side, my political side...all out there for the world to see.

I started blogging because I wanted an outlet for all of the things that roll around in my head. I wasn't really sure what direction it was going to go (I'm still not!) and when I started, I had no intention of giving my URL to anyone in my 'real' life. I thought I would keep it as just something for me. Then I outed myself at a girls night soon after I started blogging, and I'm not sorry. Yes, there are things I will not blog about. And yes, once in a while, I admit, I may hesitate to write something because of who might read it, but it goes in anyway. I promised myself that if I decide to write about it, it will be truly honest and not white-washed. Take me or leave me, I will not hold back anything about me...regardless of who's checking in.

Roll Me Away

One of my all-time favorite songs is "Roll Me Away" by Bob Seger. I'm not sure what it is about the song that I love so much, maybe it the freeing feeling of it - just heading out on the road and going wherever it takes you. But the last lines are my favorite "gotta...keep searchin' til I finally find what's right...next time, next time we'll get it right."

Guess that's what I'm doing, searching until I finally get it right.

Took a look down a westbound road,
right away I made my choice
Headed out to my big two-wheeler,
I was tired of my own voice
Took a bead on the northern plains
and just rolled that power on

Twelve hours out of Mackinaw City
stopped in a bar to have a brew
Met a girl and we had a few drinks
and I told her what I'd decided to do
She looked out the window a long long moment
then she looked into my eyes
She didn't have to say a thing,
I knew what she was thinkin'

Roll, roll me away,
won't you roll me away tonight
I too am lost, I feel double-crossed
and I'm sick of what's wrong and what's right
We never even said a word,
we just walked out and got on that bike
And we rolled
And we rolled clean out of sight

We rolled across the high plains
Deep into the mountains
Felt so good to me
Finally feelin' free

Somewhere along a high road
The air began to turn cold
She said she missed her home
I headed on alone

Stood alone on a mountain top,
starin' out at the Great Divide
I could go east, I could go west,
it was all up to me to decide
Just then I saw a young hawk flyin'
and my soul began to rise
And pretty soon
My heart was singin'

Roll, roll me away,
I'm gonna roll me away tonight
Gotta keep rollin, gotta keep ridin',
keep searchin' till I find what's right
And as the sunset faded I spoke to the faintest first starlight
And I said next time
Next time
We'll get it right

It was just a matter of time...

Okay, so a woman who applied for Exteme Makeover on ABC was rejected from the show and 4 months later, her sister committed suicide. Of course, she is now suing the show (http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=202238&GT1=6955). Is she serious? First off, the woman had a history of biploar disorder which does not make for the most stable person. Second, she applied for the show!! I'm pretty sure show executives didn't come knocking on her door and say "You know, you're pretty damn ugly. We can fix that..." Besides, what does one sister being dropped from the show have to do with the other sister committing suicide? I don't want to sound unsympathetic, I truly am sorry the woman killed herself, but don't you think there were already some underlying issues here and she might have done it even without the show?

Also, the article mentions that 5 orphans are suing ABC Extreme Makeover: Home Edition because the family they were living with kicked them out after ABC re-did their home. Again, how is this ABC's fault? They promised a home make-over and delivered that. It seems that their issue is with the fucked-up family that took them in, used them to get a new house and then kicked them to the curb, not the show.

What ever happened to taking personal responsiblity?!

Driving 101

Wednesdays are a long day for me, y'all, and that makes Thursdays the worst day of my week. I have a standing Wednesday morning meeting at the main office that starts at 7:30am (which makes my day start an hour or so earlier than usual). Then I have two classes that night. They start at 5:30 and end at 10:15pm. I don't even get home until just after 11. It just makes for a very long day. And to top it all off, I think I'm catching a code; my node is stuft up and I can't breed very well. Now I'm all hopped up on the DayQuil. Yeah, baby, now that's what I'm talkin' about...

On my drive in this morning, I noticed that most people don't freakin' know how to drive...here are a few helpful tips for those annoying fucksticks.

• The merge lane is just that - a MERGE lane. Not a come-to-a-complete-fucking-stop-until-there-is-no-traffic-for-3-miles lane.
• If the turn lane starts half a block ahead of your turn, it's okay to get in it that early. Don't slow your 1974 Buick to a freakin' crawl in my lane. Get the fuck over and out of my way!
• I realize the speed limit is the max you can go on the road, and yes, it's probably a good idea to be aware of it, but for the love of God, is it too much to ask that you at least drive in the ballpark of the speed limit and not 10 miles below it?
• While waiting to make a left turn please grow some balls and turn when a car is more than a block away. You'll make it, I promise. And you'll feel better about yourself, women will dig you and you'll look taller.
• If you're gonna ride my ass for several miles, the least you could do is buy me dinner first.
• Christ on a cracker!! Why will no one pass a cop when he is driving below the speed limit? It's a cop car, not a pace car!
• You have the right of way at a blinking yellow light.
• You can also turn right on red.
• Don't pull out in front of me and then slow down. That really should be a capitol offense, punishable by death.
• I don't care how late you are to the office, lady, put your fucking make-up away!! It's chicks like you that give women a bad name.
• If you and I pull up at a 4-way stop at the same time, and I give you the universal signal for "you go ahead" don't just sit there looking at me...it's not a devious trick on my part. I really mean, GO AHEAD!
• When I let you in a line of traffic ahead of me I expect a wave, motherfucker.
• Also, to the women who drive freakin' mammoth SUV to take the little kiddies to soccer: learn how to drive the damn thing or take goddamn the bus.
• If you cannot parallel park correctly, don't parallel park at all. That way, there will be no need to glare at me when you open your car door into traffic because you parked three feet away from the curb.
• Don't ignore all the signs that say "left lane closed" and ride it to the very end and then give me dirty looks because I won't let you in, fucktard. I'll break a cardinal rule and ride the ass of the person in front of me just to be certain you can't squeeze in. And I'll wave at you as I pass by. I realize that makes me a bitch but I really don't care.
• And really, dudes should never drive Mini Coopers or Mazda Miatas. I don't care if you are the most hetero who ever heteroed a hetero, these are chick cars and driving one makes you look gay. Oh, and your friends are assholes because they know this and they let you buy one anyway.

And that concludes this portion of Terri's Traffic Tips. Now, let's be careful out there...

Sisterly love

I've always felt a little sorry for people who are only children. Who did they argue with when they were young? Who was there to play with them when all the neighborhood kids were sick? Who mocked them unmercifully when their mother cut their bangs in the front yard? And left them crooked? Who do they share familial inside jokes ("Round key, ridges up?" "Picka my up!" "She's your mother!") with? My older sister and I have, for the most part, gotten along incredibly well. Unless you count the time she tried to kill me. To this day, she swears it was an accident. Sure it was, Kel, suuuuure it was. You never wanted a little sister, admit it! ;)

I was maybe four years old and we had just gotten back from a long car ride and daddy had given us each a shiny new penny (hey, we were young and didn't know he was being cheap LOL) for being good. Kelly and I were in my bedroom playing "Nurse." I was the patient and she was the nurse. She took my mock temperature and decided that I needed medicine. She handed me one of our pennies and told me to take my medicine. I did. I was four and she was bossy. It got caught in my throat and I remember Kelly yelling for daddy. He came running in and picked me up and carried me into the living room. Mom was vacuuming and I remember she had the coffee table turned upside down on the sofa. Anyway, he was pounding me on the back and I remember the look of terror on my mom's face. She told daddy that it wasn't working and I was turning blue. Daddy laid me on the floor, grabbed me by the ankles, lifted me up and started pounding on my back even harder. The penny shot out of my mouth, hit the front door and fell to the ground where it spun around in little circles. I know it sounds strange that I remember so much detail, but I do. My sister and I were wearing matching flannel nightgowns, mine had pink flowers while hers had purple ones. After the crisis, my mom sat down and cried, and Kelly told me she was sorry she hurt me. Daddy told me I scared him. I got ice cream for dinner. And now it's just one of those stories we tell around the dinner table. "Hey, remember the time Kelly tried to kill me?"

Growing up, my sister and I got on each other nerves on a regular basis...just as God intended siblings to behave. Being the baby sister, I'm sure I tagged along when she'd rather I just disappear, and I'm sure she got tired of being told to look after me. But she always did. I will always remember when we would walk to school in the wintertime, she would act as a wind block for me. If the wind was coming from in front of us, she'd tell me to grab the back of her coat, put my hooded face up against her and snuggle in tight. If it was coming from behind us, she'd wrap her arms around me from the back and use her shoulders as a wind break. Even now that we're both adults (well, one of us is more adult than the other - not too hard to figure out which is which) she's still always got my back. And that's a great feeling.

That's why I feel sorry for only children. They've never known that type of sisterly love. Or had one of their siblings try to kill them...hey, maybe those only children are onto something!

Omaha - where the men are men and the sheep are nervous

"Spead it...blow on it...then taste it."
~shopgirl demonstrating flavored Kama Sutra oil

"I'm smart, but I've been getting by on my looks for so long, no one knows it."
~Birthday girl Heather

"How many songs are on this damn CD anyway?"
~Chris from the backseat while listening to INXS' Greatest Hits

"I think Chris is asleep. Too bad we didn't bring any squirty cheese...her mouth is open, we could just spray it in there. That'd wake her up."
"Nah, that wouldn't do it, she'd just go "ummm, cheddar!" in her sleep."
~ Terri and Heather, somewhere on I-29 North

"Okay, here's the deal: if we stop for a pee break, we must take inventory of Heather's belongings before the stop and after."
~Terri (inside scoop: on our roadtrip to Denver this spring, Heather left her purse in a truckstop restroom along I-70. We were an hour outside of KC when she realized it. We backtracked to Salina and found it...)

"Is it beer-thirty yet?"
~Terri

"Nope, it's only 12:13. I guess it could be beer-thirteen."
~Heather

"Yeah, that's not really your best postition, Ter..."
~Chris

"It's only 6:45. The show doesn't start until 7:30. Do we really want to go in that early..."
"There's a bar upstairs..."
"My four favorite words!"
~Terri and the guy at the will call window

"Up the stairs of death he means."
~ Chris

"Why don't you figure out where you want to sit and we'll just follow you."
~Heather to Chris after changing seats 3 times

"My God, she's so excited to see Ray, she's vibrating!"
~Heather

"$4.50 for chips and salsa?!"
"Even though we're also ordering dinner?"
"And a $20 pitcher of margaritas?"
~all of us at the Mexican place

"Someone is smoking some weed, I can smell it right here by the elevator."
~Terri

"Well, you tell me what you want and I bring it to you."
~our smart-ass waiter at breakfast

The trip to Omaha was a blast. I highly suggest that if you get the chance, go see Ray LaMontagne in concert. It was a very unpretentious show, just him, his guitar and a guy on string bass. In this world of lip synching entertainment it was incredible to see someone so talented just get up and sing for two hours. No light show, no dancers, no wardrobe changes...just incredible talent.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I've got a major complaint about the Chiefs game last night: could the announcers have had any more of a hard on for Randy Moss? I swear to God, it was 'Randy Moss this' and 'Randy Moss that' all freakin' night long! Yeah, the guy is good, but for fuck's sake, there are two teams on that field and hello, one of them was really kicking some ass. And no, it wasn't the Raiders. Even the AP Wire coverage of the game starts with... "Despite another big performance by Randy Moss, the Raiders lost to the Chiefs 23-17 in Oakland Sunday night. The Chiefs again benefited from their talented backfield, as Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson each found the end zone. Moss scored on a 64-yard touchdown pass in the third quarter and had over 100 yards receiving, but Oakland still fell to 0-2..." Seriously, are the kidding me?! ESPN must've showed a replay of that damn 64-yard TD pass 10 times in the the third quarter. Yeah, he burned Sammy Knight on that play...and scored his one TD of the night. So fuckin' what?!

And don't even get me started on the talk about how the game was the Raiders to lose, instead of the Chiefs' to win. Hey, our guys were out there, too! Kawika Mitchell, Priest Holmes, Larry Johnson, Sammy Parker and Trent Green were spectacular. And how about rookie Derek Johnson? He was on fi-yah!! But no, it was the "Randy Moss Show" on EPSN last night. Even when Randy Moss wasn't doing anything, he was on camera. It got to be a running joke at the watch party. "Who's that number 18?" "Must be a rookie." "Yeah, I heard that just last year he was bagging groceries." "Next thing you know they'll be showing his wife in the stands." and while an injured Raider was laying on the turf, Randy walked into the frame, "Phew, that was close! They went almost two minutes without showing Randy Moss!"

Where was the gratuitous shots of Priest Holmes? Tony G.? Larry Johnson? Or how about Trent Green getting some love? He doesn't get nearly the credit he should. I realize I am seriously biased, but why is it that the Chiefs are the Rodney Dangerfield of the NFL? Where's the respect?

In case ya'll missed it: final score, Chiefs 23, Randy Moss' Raiders 17. Yeah, baby!!

Hmmmm...

Believe it or not, I've got nothin' for you today. No rants, no funny stories, no weird observations, no strange conversations in my head...nothin'. I feel like such a loser. So, here are some tidbits:

• The girls and I are going to Omaha this weekend to see Ray LaMontagne (http://raylamontagne.com/). It's Heatherby's birthday and we're sure to get out of hand. Let's just hope there will be no photographic evidence!
• My friend John is getting married in two weeks and his bachelor party is tonight. He wanted to invite me, but the other guys were weird about it. What's that about? We've been good friends for almost 10 years, I'm literally one of the guys as far as he is concerned. In fact, he and his fiance had a friendly discussion on which side of the bridal party I was going to be a part of: John wanted me as a groomsperson, but Paula won out since she needed an 5th bridesmaid.
• My mom is the coolest mom ever. Every Friday morning on her way to work she leaves the Friday paper and some sort of snack in my car. Today it was sweet cantaloupe. Not to mention that she's putting together a snack care package for the THC road trip to Omaha. Mere believes that no road trip should ever be undertaken without Peanut M&M's and salty snacks. Mere rocks.
• The second greatest cartoon in the whole world, Calvin and Hobbes, has returned to our local paper. The first greatest cartoon will forever be Bloom County, which sadly, is still MIA.
• My cat Hefe is diabetic and he has to have insulin shots twice a day. I forgot his shot last night and felt really awful about it this morning. It's the first time I've forgotten since he was diagnosed in March.
• It's Raider week here in KC. We loyal Chiefs fans really hate the Raiders. Even if they've been pretty toothless lately. I'm going out on a limb and predicting Chiefs by 7. Magic 8 Ball says "Signs point to yes."

Sorry this is so lame. I promise to bring the funny next week. Have a great weekend, y'all.

Words of Wisdom

My friend Chris sent this email to me this morning. I think she's trying to prepare our livers for our girls road trip this weekend...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’"
~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

“To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!”
~ Dave Howell

And saving the best for last, an explainaton by Cliff Clavin: one afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm Peterson. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

----------

And in other news: Britney Spears gave birth this week. I repeat: Britney Spears and her furry Federline have reproduced. Yikes! It's the first sign of the Apocalypse. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Odd Musing

I've had this damn jingle in my head now for days:

My baloney has a first name,
it's O-S-C-A-R
My baloney has a second name,
it's M-A-Y-E-R
Oh, I love to eat it every day
And if you ask me why I'll say
'Cause Oscar Mayer has a way
with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Which lead me to remember wondering as a kid how B-O-L-O-G-N-A spelled baloney. And also wondering if 'Mayer' was the last name or the middle name of the baloney. If it was a middle name, what was the last name? Oscar Mayer Zembruski, maybe? Maybe that's why it's not part of the jingle. Too hard to rhyme with. But most importantly this lead me to this: what about the hotdogs? Did they feel left out by not having their own spelling jingle? With that in mind:

My frankfurter has a first name,
it's O-S-C-A-R
My frankfurter has a second name
it's M-A-Y-E-R
Oh, I'm scared to eat them anyway
Because I know just how they're made
'Cause Oscar Mayer has a way
with W-I-E-N-E-R-S.

Huh. Maybe the ad execs knew what they were doing. Doesn't really fit, does it?

Friday night snippets

Random thoughts from Friday night's viewing of the rock/fashion thingy on NBC. I'll play me and the role of JB will be played by my friend John.

kctl: Damn, Tim McGraw is hot.

JB: What are you talkin' about? He's short. And balding.

kctl: (looking at the shiny spot on JB's head) Uh, kettle, have you met the pot? Besides, I don't care. That Faith Hill is one lucky bitch.

JB: Well, she ain't so shabby either.

kctl: Ugh, freakin' Destiny's Child. Okay, they're not even singing. It's just a bunch of vocal gymnastics. If they didn't have legs for days they'd have no career.

kctl: Hey, look, it's Madonna-wanna-be Gwen Stefani. Heh, I rhymed. If it ain't "Hollaback Girl", I don't wanna hear it.

JB: Nope, sorry, no "Hollaback Girl" today, but the spotlight is showing right through her dress.

kctl: Alright, I'm going for beer...you need one while I'm up?

JB: Sure, thanks. Hey, look it's Shakira.

kctl: Have you seen her new dance move? The only thing missing are the tassels. I'm not sure how she gets her chest to move like that.

JB: (awed silence)

kctl: That girl sure can move her body! Ha! Wouldn't it be funny if she were a dead lay? I mean, moving around like that all day's gotta be tiring. She probably can't muster the energy for a full on fuckfest.

JB: Okay, you just killed that fantasy.

kctl: Sorry.

JB: Do you suppose that her band ever tires of staring at her ass? After a while it's gotta be kinda like just another ass, you know what I mean.

kctl: Um, I doubt it. Alright, David Bowie after the commercial.

kctl: Wow, Iman has still got it going on.

kctl: Holy crap, what the fuck is David Bowie wearing? Why didn't someone tell him he was wearing Danny DeVito's pants? And that he forgot his socks?

JB: Well, we are talking about Ziggy Stardust here. He's just making a statement.

kctl: What statement? That it's hip to be square? Maybe it's to pay homage to all the water in New Orleans.

JB: (spitting out his beer) I can't believe you just said that! You're sooo going to hell!

kctl: Yeah and that's just reason #7,624 on a list of a million reasons why. Wait, is that a black eye? Who beat the crap out of David?

JB: Maybe Iman tried to stop him from going out on stage in those pants...

Hodge Podge

It's Friday and I feel like playing in the shallow end of the pool today...no deep thoughts, no trying to unravel the mysteries of the Universe, no brain strain trying to come up with a meaningful post. Today, you'll get drivel. And you'll like it.

• Freakin' idiots who park on a 4 lane throughfare on my way to work should be pelted with olives.
  
  
• To the two students who cheated on our Art History quiz Wednesday night, I turned you in. And I don't feel bad about it.
  
  
• I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I would have a date for my friend John's wedding, it said "My reply is no." Stupid Magic 8 Ball.

• I also asked it if the Chiefs were going to beat the crap out of the Jets this weekend and it said "Outlook good." Smart Magic 8 Ball.

• I have a Mr. Potato Head on my desk, do you think he's lonely? Perhaps I should buy him a Mrs. Potato Head. Maybe then they'd make Tater Tots.

• I'd rather buy him Darth Tater. Not because I'm into Star Wars (never seen any of the films) but just because it cracks me up. But then I wouldn't have Tater Tots. Hmmm, dilemma.

• I guess I could buy both, then they could be happy little threesome. Although, I'm sure that's probably a little to weird for the office. And potentially confusing for the Tots. "Are you my Tater daddy?"

• Is it wrong that I ate a brownie for breakfast? I washed it down with orange juice. Which was not a good combination, in case anyone was thinking of trying it.

• I'm listening to "Tiny Dancer" and just now realized the lyric is "you had a busy day today" and not "you had a visitor today."

• My wall calendar is still on June because I love the picture.

• Why is it that the week following a three-day weekend seems like it has two extra days in it?

• I love Neil Diamond and must sing along when his songs come on the radio.

• A tenant just called to complain that he was cut off a block away from the building by another tenant. What the fuck is that about? How am I responsible for that? I asked him what he wanted me to do and he replied, send out a memo reminding people to drive with more courtesy. He wasn't kidding.

• I will not be sending out the above memo.

• Today is my half birthday. I am officially, 35 1/2. Yikes.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Booger Butt and Dodie

My nephew (Booger Butt) and niece (Dodie) are the funniest things in the world. Some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths just make me giggle.

The other day, my sister was talking to my nephew about the physical he had to take for football. He asked what a physical was and Kelly said the doctor will check you out to make sure it's okay for you to play football. He thought for a second and said "Will he test me for steroids?" Now this is funny on two levels: he's ten, fairly tall and very skinny (that child has the boniest ass, ever!). Second, he was dead serious. He called to tell me the story, and I told him that if they do find steriods in his system, he's been ripped off.

Dodie's birthday is in a few months; she'll be 9. When I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said 'a new laptop.' I looked at her with the patented mom-of-kcterrilynn's single eyebrow raise that means "yeah, I don't think so." She said, well, maybe you and grandma could get it together. Again, the eyebrow answered for me. She narrowed her eyes, looked at me like I had taken the short bus to school and replied, "Aunt Terri, you just don't understand! You have a job! I don't." To which I replied "Um, no, Dodie, you don't understand: I have a job and you do not." She said, "That's what I said, so what's the difference?" I told her the difference is that makes it my decision on what to get her for her birthday, not hers, and it won't be a laptop. She still doesn't get it.

She came by her nickname because my nephew couldn't say her real name after she was born, and something resembling 'Dodie' came out (which is funny in itself, because her real name is no where near 'Dodie'), and she's been that ever since. Now, her given name is beautiful (if I do say so myself since I picked it out) but it's a done deal, she is Dodie to family now and forever. One day when she couldn't have been more than 4, we were in the grocery store and she was getting too far ahead of me, so I hollered "Dodie" at her and she stopped to wait for me to catch up. When I got to her, she put both hands on her hips, looked up at me and said "Aunt Tewwi, my name is L, not Dodie!" I squatted down to look her in the eyes and said "I know what your name is, Little Bit, I chose it, but I'll call you Dodie anytime I like. That's what family nicknames are for. Do you think I like it when everyone calls me PeeVee?" She wandered ahead muttering something to the effect of "I guess Dodie's not so bad, I could be Booger Butt." Atta girl, look on the bright side.

This is probably my favorite story invloving Booger Butt. He was maybe six years old and we were having a family dinner at my parents house. We were being loud, rowdy, and talkative like we get and I heard Booger Butt ask his mom what a period was. Our entire clan shut up immediately and looked at my sister. I was trying hard not to laugh, but wasn't doing a very good job. My sister couldn't have had a more panicked look on her face if she had tried. My dad asked him what he thought it was. BB replied that it's that dot at the end of a sentence. Kelly exhaled and shot my mom a look like "Phew, dodged that one." I kept looking at Booger Butt and he still looked confused. So I said, "Honey, do you have another question?" He said, "Well, I understand the period part, but what does that have to do with the big band-aid things they sell on TV?" I almost peed my pants. Eventually, the laughter subsided, but he never did get his answer.

Out of the mouths of babes, indeed.

RIP, Little Buddy

Bob Denver, 70, died on Friday.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' man,
the skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day,
for a three hour tour, a three hour tour………
The weather started getting rough,
the tiny ship was tossed.
If not for the courage of the fearless crew,
the Minnow would be lost; the Minnow would be lost.
The ship took ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle,
with Gilligan, the Skipper too,
the Millionaire, and his Wife,
the Movie Star, the Professor and Mary Ann,
here on Gilligan's Isle.

So this is the tale of our castaways,
they're here for a long, long time.
They'll have to make the best of things,
it's an uphill climb.
The first mate and his skipper too,
will do their very best,
to make the others comfortable,
in the tropic island nest.
No phones, no lights, no motor cars,
not a single luxury.
Like Robinson Crusoe,
it's primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my friend,
you're sure to get a smile.
From seven stranded Castaways,
Here on Gilligan's Isle.

Rest in peace, Little Buddy.

What's in a name?

When I was younger, I honestly thought my name was "Ke-Terri," because that's what my mom would holler when she was frustrated by something I had done. She would start with the first name that came to her mind, my sister Kelly, and then finish with the right one. It's probably a good thing that there were just the two of us. Although once in a while, she would go through the dog names as well..."Sa...Go...Ke...Terri!!" Quite the mouthful!

Now, after 35 years, you'd think that Mere would finally know my name. Not so much, according to my sister. She called me over the weekend to let me know that mom still fumbles my name, but now she includes the first letters of the names of the grandchildren. Great. It seems the conversation went something like this:

Mere: "Have you talked Ch...L...Ke...damnit, your sister today?"

Kelly: "Ha ha ha! Nope, but I will since I have to call Ch-L-Ke-Terri and tell her you still don't know her name!"

Mere: "Hey, give me some credit, at least I didn't drag the dogs into it this time!"

True, Mere, true, but just keep in mind that I get a say in what home we put you in...

Heartsick

My heart aches for those along the Gulf Coast. I am, like everyone else watching, appalled at the pictures, videos and stories on the news, but more than that, I am enraged that something like this is even possible in the US in the 21st century.

How is it possible that people are dying in the streets of a major metropolitan city from lack of food and water? Why did this take us by surprise? Who is in charge of the relief effort? Why were these people directed to this area when there was obviously no help once they got there? Why is the mayor of New Orleans running his city from Baton Rouge? How can you lead your city if you desert them like a rat on a sinking ship? How can you calm them and show them that someone is looking out for their welfare?

Those that are going on their 5th day of hell don't have access to the media and have no idea that the rest of us are just as outraged as they are. They have no idea that the country has raised almost $100 million for relief in only 3 days. They are unaware that we are deeply ashamed for the slow response time from our government. President Bush should have been on the ground surveying the damage, calming the masses and leading the people long before now. The news reported that the reason he waited was because it was an unstable enviornment...yet Bush was in the midst of Ground Zero after September 11th within a day. It is shameful and embarrassing how our government has been slow to act to this disaster. We look to our leaders in times of uncertainty for a sense of who is in charge and our government has let us down.

It is heartwarming to see the volunteers, doctors, nurses, National Guardspeople, police officers, fire personnel, and good samaritans who have been there from the beginning working tirelessly to help. It's time for the Federal government to step up and help ease the burden.

The Aftermath

I've been watching the news all morning, and one thing has become crystal clear to me as the days pass: as devastating as Katrina was, the aftermath of the storm is proving to be much worse.

Looting, armed gangs of desperate people, days without food or water, devastation, hopelessness...it's unfathomable. I have never been through anything like what the survivors are feeling; all I can do is watch the news, see the pictures, hear the desperation in the voices...and pray for the nightmare to be over soon.

I donated money to the Red Cross, the Humane Society, and bought 5 cases of water that I took to a local radio station for their water drive, and I still feel inadequate.

Blessings to all of those affected and may they soon wake up from this nightmare.