Driving 101

Wednesdays are a long day for me, y'all, and that makes Thursdays the worst day of my week. I have a standing Wednesday morning meeting at the main office that starts at 7:30am (which makes my day start an hour or so earlier than usual). Then I have two classes that night. They start at 5:30 and end at 10:15pm. I don't even get home until just after 11. It just makes for a very long day. And to top it all off, I think I'm catching a code; my node is stuft up and I can't breed very well. Now I'm all hopped up on the DayQuil. Yeah, baby, now that's what I'm talkin' about...

On my drive in this morning, I noticed that most people don't freakin' know how to drive...here are a few helpful tips for those annoying fucksticks.

• The merge lane is just that - a MERGE lane. Not a come-to-a-complete-fucking-stop-until-there-is-no-traffic-for-3-miles lane.
• If the turn lane starts half a block ahead of your turn, it's okay to get in it that early. Don't slow your 1974 Buick to a freakin' crawl in my lane. Get the fuck over and out of my way!
• I realize the speed limit is the max you can go on the road, and yes, it's probably a good idea to be aware of it, but for the love of God, is it too much to ask that you at least drive in the ballpark of the speed limit and not 10 miles below it?
• While waiting to make a left turn please grow some balls and turn when a car is more than a block away. You'll make it, I promise. And you'll feel better about yourself, women will dig you and you'll look taller.
• If you're gonna ride my ass for several miles, the least you could do is buy me dinner first.
• Christ on a cracker!! Why will no one pass a cop when he is driving below the speed limit? It's a cop car, not a pace car!
• You have the right of way at a blinking yellow light.
• You can also turn right on red.
• Don't pull out in front of me and then slow down. That really should be a capitol offense, punishable by death.
• I don't care how late you are to the office, lady, put your fucking make-up away!! It's chicks like you that give women a bad name.
• If you and I pull up at a 4-way stop at the same time, and I give you the universal signal for "you go ahead" don't just sit there looking at me...it's not a devious trick on my part. I really mean, GO AHEAD!
• When I let you in a line of traffic ahead of me I expect a wave, motherfucker.
• Also, to the women who drive freakin' mammoth SUV to take the little kiddies to soccer: learn how to drive the damn thing or take goddamn the bus.
• If you cannot parallel park correctly, don't parallel park at all. That way, there will be no need to glare at me when you open your car door into traffic because you parked three feet away from the curb.
• Don't ignore all the signs that say "left lane closed" and ride it to the very end and then give me dirty looks because I won't let you in, fucktard. I'll break a cardinal rule and ride the ass of the person in front of me just to be certain you can't squeeze in. And I'll wave at you as I pass by. I realize that makes me a bitch but I really don't care.
• And really, dudes should never drive Mini Coopers or Mazda Miatas. I don't care if you are the most hetero who ever heteroed a hetero, these are chick cars and driving one makes you look gay. Oh, and your friends are assholes because they know this and they let you buy one anyway.

And that concludes this portion of Terri's Traffic Tips. Now, let's be careful out there...