Friday, June 22, 2007

Road Rules

I think the Vatican left a few things off of their Driver Commandments list. Think the Pope will add my suggestions?

  • The merge lane is just that - a MERGE lane. Not a come-to-a-complete-fucking-stop-until-there-is-no-traffic-for-3-miles lane.
  • If the turn lane starts half a block ahead of your turn, it's okay to get in it that early. Don't slow your 1974 Buick to a freakin' crawl in my lane. Get the fuck over and out of my way!
  • I realize the speed limit is the max you can go on the road, and yes, it's probably a good idea to be aware of it, but for the love of God, is it too much to ask that you at least drive in the ballpark of the speed limit and not 10 miles below it?
  • While waiting to make a left turn please grow some balls and turn when a car is more than a block away. You'll make it, I promise. Trust me you'll feel better about yourself, women will dig you and you'll look taller.
  • If you're gonna ride my ass for several miles, the least you could do is buy me dinner first.
  • Christ on a cracker!! Why will no one pass a cop when he is driving below the speed limit? It's a cop car, not a pace car! Besides, he's just doing it to fuck with you.
  • You have the right of way at a blinking yellow light.
  • You can also turn right on red.
  • Don't pull out in front of me and then slow down, it really pisses me off. That really should be a capital offense, punishable by death.
  • I don't care how late you are to the office, lady, put your fucking make-up away!! It's chicks like you that give women drivers a bad name.
  • If you and I pull up at a 4-way stop at the same time, and I give you the universal signal for "you go ahead" don't just sit there looking at's not a devious trick on my part. I really mean, GO AHEAD!
  • When I let you in a line of traffic ahead of me I expect a wave, motherfucker.
  • Also, to the women who drive freakin' mammoth SUV to take the little kiddies to soccer: learn how to drive the damn thing or take goddamn the bus.
  • If you cannot parallel park correctly, don't parallel park at all. That way, there will be no need to glare at me when you open your car door into traffic because you parked three feet away from the curb.
  • Don't ignore all the signs that say "left lane closed" and ride it to the very end and then give me dirty looks because I won't let you in, fucktard. I'll break a cardinal rule and ride the ass of the person in front of me just to be certain you can't squeeze in. And I'll wave at you as I pass by. I realize that makes me a bitch but I really don't care.
  • And really, dudes should never drive Mini Coopers, VW Bugs or Mazda Miatas. I don't care if you are the hetero-est hetero who ever heteroed a hetero, these are chick cars and driving one makes you look gay. Oh, and your friends are assholes because they know this and they let you buy one anyway.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Closer to You

I take all I feel and let my words fly
To drift and be lost on the breeze
Never to know where they lie
They settle alone in some other place

My thoughts and my feelings and all that I am
Scattered to rest who knows where
I like to imagine that everywhere you go
A small piece of me will be there

So every time I open my hands
Letting my words float away
Perhaps I'll be closer to you with every flight
Nearer your heart every day

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A Kiss That Stills

This is the place I want to run to
When I feel there is no way out
This is the face I turn to
When I want another life to talk about
The time it took for a hidden look
To take it's hold
A kiss that stills, the air that fills
You taste like wine
Step in before the open door closes
I'm taking all of you
Giving the love I knew
The heart I couldn't show

Friday, June 08, 2007

Behind Blue Eyes

Cleveland (aka Jim)

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Guess who's coming to dinner?

I'm finally meeting someone from the blog-o-sphere. I've been stalking Jim (in a friendly manner) for over two years now...can't wait to finally meet him.

I promise stories and pictures (he is a very talented photographer) detailing this historic event.

PS: Carl, you're next!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Nobody sleeps through 'I love you'

June 1st makes me sad.

Loving my second dad was not hard at all. It was Teddy that taught me to drive, harassed the boys who dared date his little girl, gave me my rabid love of football, coached me on how to be grown up and loved me unconditionally through it all.

When we turned to hospice about two weeks before he died, they encouraged all of us to say what we wanted to say to him before it was too late. One afternoon, as he lay napping on the couch, I held his hand and poured out all of the things I was feeling; things I knew he already knew, but wanted to say anyway. He hadn't been totally lucid for several days, but I felt the need anyway. As I finished, I told him that I was thankful for having him in my life, and that I was going to miss the hell out of him because I loved him so much. As I kissed his forehead, he opened his eyes and said "I love you too." I was shocked, since as I said, he hadn't been lucid for days. I told him that I didn't mean to wake him, I thought he was sleeping. He replied, "Nobody sleeps through 'I love you.'" Those were the last words he spoke to me; he died the next day.

And now, six years later, June 1st still makes me sad.