Wednesday, March 29, 2006


I found this group about a year ago on the Web and fell in absolute L-O-V-E! Check out The John Butler Trio on Letterman and then go buy their CD 'Sunrise Over Sea'. Trust me, you won't be sorry.

"I could be asleep, I can be awake. I can be alive or I can be the walking dead. I can be ignorant or I can be informed. I could lead my life or I could be led. I can be anything I put my mind to, all I gotta do is give myself half a chance. I could bring love back into my life and share it with the world if I only got some balance."

Monday, March 27, 2006

A Matter of Want To...

“It’s a matter of ‘want to...’” my friend John said to me once. It doesn’t really matter what we were talking about at the time, in fact, I’m not sure I even remember, it was that long ago. Every now and again, those six little words just pop into my head, usually when I’m faced with something challenging or if I’m trying to avoid something I’d rather not face, but mostly when I am trying to justify giving up on a goal. “It’s a matter of ‘want to...’” So simple, yet sometimes so hard to put into practice.

I think it’s the simplicity of the statement is why it alternately encourages and puzzles me. Put it in the context of any goal: “I want to _____,” - whatever that goal may be: get a promotion, bulk up my savings, learn to ballroom dance, buy a house, date George Clooney, lose weight, pass a math class...anything. For it to be “a matter of want to” one simply needs to want to make it happen. Seems so easy.

Of course, as human beings, we’ll always prefer the easy way, the shortcut, to reach our goals rather than put in the necessary energy to make it happen. I’m sure I am guiltier than most in that regard. How do I change the behavior? First, I think it’s important to visualize exactly what it is I want. Second, focus on what it will take to make it happen. Third, I need to conquer my lackadaisical tendencies, occasional negative energy, and ‘I can’t’ attitude. I might just surprise myself. Finally, to keep me focused, imagine the big picture in my mind: the accomplished goal, with a successful me right in the middle of it.

There are so many things in my life that I have started and never finished or have wanted to try but haven’t. I’ve always been a dreamer and have pondered so many things, some are big, life changes (quitting my job, selling all of my belongings and travel the US with what fits in my car), others are small things that wouldn’t seem important to anyone else (organizing my kitchen pantry), or things I wanted to try but never followed through (run a marathon). It just seems that either my interest runs short somewhere in the middle (kitchen pantry) or I am simply afraid that I will fail (marathon) or it just doesn’t seem to be practical (quit job, sell everything, travel aimlessly). The most important thing I need to do is take a step back, get the hell out of my own way and stop sabotaging myself. And realize “it’s a matter of want to...”

I’ve started college three times since I graduated high school. I know the reasons I failed the first two times and it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. The first time I went was right after high school and I wasn’t anywhere close to motivated. Then I learned the greatest thing about college: they don’t care whether you show up or not. And trust me, I took advantage of that little fact. I saw it this way: I was paying for it myself and as an adult I was responsible for myself, right? It’s not like I was one of those dropouts who mooch off their parents, I had two jobs. And a car. I was making all kinds of money bartending, the most I’d ever earned. I can live on $10,000 a year right? If I need extra cash, I could always pick up a shift. This is the life: days free to do whatever and party every night! Who needs a degree? I’m always going to be this young, this carefree, this live-for-the-right-now kind of girl, right? Trust me, it didn’t take long for reality to smack me in the face.

For years after I quit, I would occasionally mention going back. Part of me wanted to because I wanted to be the first in my family (other than Teddy) to have my degree, part of me was afraid because I had been out for so long. I didn’t want to fail. I also had no idea what I wanted to go to school for. So I didn’t. My second attempt was right after Teddy died. Since we had talked about it often, he knew how important a degree was to me and he understood my fears. He was always supportive of my decision and continually let me know that if I would just try, I would be successful. In the weeks before he died, we talked about it once again, and I promised him that I would eventually go back and graduate. And it was because of him I found what I wanted to study: social work. (As our family was dealing with everything that cancer brings, I found a support group through Hospice. Sitting among other people who were going through what I was going through was a comfort I didn’t expect.) My second attempt was less successful than my first, simply because I was in a severe depression after his death and school was the last place I needed to be, but I fully intended to keep my promise.

So, I've started college for the third time. This time around, I’m more motivated and more successful. I’ve still got at least 3 years to go, but it’s what I want. And I finally figured out how to get it. First, I acknowledged that I want to be a college graduate. Second, I researched several Human Services programs and found one that fits. Third, yeah, third...this one will always be a work in progress, I’m afraid. I am taking classes that are not my strongest area and I'm doing my best to not let fear of failure get to me. I’m still very lackadaisical and occasionally skip class and wait until the last moment to do homework. I did start going to the library 2-3 evenings for at least an hour and so far, have stuck with it (for the most part). Finally, I have a vision of the big picture: me on graduation day; me hanging my diploma on my office wall; me counseling patients; me being successful and proud of my accomplishment; me finding a new goal and making it ‘a matter of want to...’

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Blank Page

There are few things I find more intimidating than a blank page. I’ve kept diaries and journals most of my life, and for as long as I can remember I’ve always dreaded the blank page. Tina gave me my first diary on my 8th birthday. It was white with pastel colored flowers and butterflies on the cover and it had a shiny brass lock with two keys. I remember agonizing over where to hide the keys from the world - or more specifically, from my sister. I couldn’t wait to start recording my adventures. That was the beginning of my love for writing, even though I was too young to understand it. Every night before I went to bed, I would open that little book and stare at the blank page while trying to sort out the thousands of thoughts in my head into something readable. Sounds strange, doesn’t it, that an 8 year old would agonize over what to put in a simple diary? But for me, it was so much more: it was a record of what was important to me at that moment in time. It was a record of me. As a child I started doodling at the top of the page while I was thinking of what to write. It not only filled in the white space to keep it from staring at me, it helped me gather my thoughts and sort out what was important enough to write down. I rarely write in paper journals anymore, but when I do, the top margins are still filled with doodles. Even now that I journal on the computer, the blank page still haunts me.

The one thing I have absolute confidence about is my writing. I’m not saying it’s perfect or even that I have a gift, only that it’s the one thing I do not question; it’s honest and it’s personal. For as long as I can remember, I have been composing things in my head, trying to find the perfect way to express what I want to say. And I do it at odd times: while driving, in the middle of conversations, as I’m drifting off to sleep, while reading, eating dinner or even in the shower. More than once I have scribbled snippets with my finger in the fog on the bathroom mirror so I won't forget the perfect wording I just discovered. I am compelled to write. I can’t seem to not do it. Since junior high, I have journaled at least three days a week (writing something: true stories, poems, ideas, snippets, etc.). And certainly, there have been periods when I’ve been too busy, too tired, too lazy, too whatever and stopped all together and I noticed I felt...different somehow. Almost like I was disconnected with my view of the world, disconnected with myself. And so, I start again.

Which brings me back to the blank page; it always comes back to the blank page. It’s just there, pristine white, empty except for the blinking cursor, it dares me to fill it with brilliant words; even as it taunts me with it’s vastness, it challenges me to do it justice. I’ve come to realize that as much as I’m intimidated by a blank page, I am also strangely comforted by it.

Friday, March 17, 2006


I drive alone with my mind
fighting thoughts of this kind
In the darkness of these naked, empty streets
I'm free to just breathe
He said I'm the queen of random phone calls
I explained it's just this time of year
These awkward conversations, these constant isolations
And this town is bringing me down
So bogged down with this, this flesh and bone
I'm not supposed to feel quite this alone
Amidst this clutter, watch me stumble, step and fall
I haven't the strength to get back up
'Cause I am empty, floating loveless
Cut me and I bleed only dust

Thursday, March 16, 2006

It's March Madness, baby!

I freakin' love this time of year...brackets, brackets, brackets everywhere!

So, I present to you my ode to the NCAA tourney ( to the tune of 'Old MacDonald had a Farm')

Terri Lynn had a bracket
N C double A
And on this bracket she picked her teams
N C double A
With a Duke, Duke here and a Duke, Duke there
Here a Duke, there a Duke
Hope they choke early Duke
Terri Lynn had a bracket
N C double A
And on this bracket she picked her teams
N C double A
With a Jayhawk here and a Jayhawk there
Here a 'Hawk, there a 'Hawk
Could be Final Four 'Hawk
Terri Lynn had a bracket
N C double A
And on this backet she picked her teams
N C double A
With 'Zaga here and 'Zaga there
Here 'Zaga, there 'Zaga
There's $400 on the line, 'Zaga
Terri Lynn had a bracket
N C double A

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Good advice

"To be nobody but yourself --
in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else --
means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight;
and never stop fighting."
e.e. cummings

Monday, March 13, 2006

A store by any other name...

While lunching on The Plaza last week with my friend Tina, we started talking about how the shopping district has turned into chain-store hell. The Plaza used to be filled with local, special shops and the occasional chain store. Now, it's The Gap, Victoria's Secret, Barnes & Noble, Armaini Exchange, Eddie Bauer, Pottery Barn, Banana Republic, Restoration Hardware as far as the eye can see. Don't get me wrong, I love some of these stores, but I miss the old ones. Which led us to the fact that the Saks Fifth Avenue store, which has been on The Plaza for 30 years closed.

Tina: I'd like to see us, crap. I can't think of the name...It's in Dallas...has two words, starts with 'M'...

kctl: Mother Fucker? Hell, I'd shop there just to get a bag with 'mother fucker' emblazoned on the side.

Tina: Ha! Genius! Now that's a place I'd like to work. Can you imagine? "Thanks for calling Mother Fucker." "Mother Fucker. How can I help you?"

kctl: "Thanks for shopping Mother Fucker."

Now that's a store I'd patronize, regardless of what it sold.

(The store she was thinking of was Nieman Marcus...not nearly as entertaining as Mother Fucker, if you ask me. The Plaza really missed the boat on that one.)

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Happy birthday to me!!!!!!!!

I admit I anxiously await this day each year. It's less and less to celebrate getting older, but because my sister calls and sings 'Happy Birthday' to me first thing in the morning. And I mean, first thing, which for her is a big deal since she is the furthest thing from a morning person. Now, it's her and the kids calling to serenade me at the butt crack of dawn. And it might sound crazy, but it makes my day. Every damn year.

I was thinking last night that in my 36 years I've been blessed with some great people in my life: Mere, daddy, Teddy, Kelly, Tina, Dawn, Chris, Deez, Booger Butt, Dodie, Grammie & Grandad, Heather, JB, Jeff, Kristen, Steph, Kate, Brad, Kyle... To list them all would take a week, but on this day I just wanted to say that I love all of you and thanks for being my support, my humor, my heart, my life. I wouldn't be the same without you.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Learning curve

I've been thinking a lot about things I'd wish I'd known when I was becoming a woman; things I'd like to pass onto my 9 year-old niece, whether she asks or not. Things that every woman, no matter how old, should realize.

Every woman should know...

  • how to fall in love without losing herself
  • how she feels about having kids
  • how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a situation head-on
  • when to try harder, and when to walk away
  • how to have a good time at a party, even if she'd rather be elsewhere
  • how to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it
  • that she can't change the length of her legs, the width of her hips or the size of her feet
  • that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over
  • what she will and won't do for love
  • how to be alone...and be okay with it
  • how to compromise without giving up everything
  • whom she can trust and whom she can't
  • where to go when her soul needs soothing and recharging
  • what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, a year
  • its okay to stop measuring herself against someone else's yardstick
  • she doesn't need someone else to make her feel herself
  • who she can always count on for support without judgement
  • she is much more than her bust size
  • how to stand up for herself and her beliefs, no matter what 'they' say
  • it is okay to be strong
  • know the difference between fair weather and forever friends

In my case, some came easy, most came the hard way, and still others are just out of my reach. But I'm working on them.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Kiss of fire

He said, "Living is like sunshine for you. Loving is everything. The touch of you is more than I can handle; so sweet, so heavy..."
" a bottle rocket," she replied. "All bright lights and nights of fire."

Friday, March 03, 2006


I love this video. Cracks me up everytime I watch it. What's truly scary is that I remember the original videos. Crap I'm old!!

Music Videos @ Video Code Planet

Thursday, March 02, 2006

21st Century's yesterday

Couple things:

  1. Went to see INXS last night
  2. Still love them, although it's not the same without Michael Hutchence
  3. Yeah, I watched the damn reality TV show. Wanna make something of it?
  4. The Lovehammers R-O-C-K!!
  5. I know better than to drink until 3am on a weekday...never seems to stop me though
  6. I think I'm still drunk
  7. I'll be napping in the back office if anyone needs me

...Come over here

All you got is this moment
The 21st Century's yesterday
You can care all you want
Everybody does yeah that's okay

So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind ...
INXS, "Need You Tonight"

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Blah, blah, blah spring fever cakes

I have spring fever something fierce. I want to get the hell out of town for a month. Obviously, since I've not won the lottery, that's not possible, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it could be. Yesterday, the sun was shining and it was a perfect 72 degrees outside. I spent my lunch hour watching the city come out of hibernation: shoppers on The Plaza, people lunching outside, workers tending to the spring flowers that are starting to was a great way to pass the time.

I am in the planning stages for a much-needed-week-long-trip to Denver to visit my best friend. And I can't wait!! To be truthful, it's 10% excitement to get out of town and 90% excitement to see Dawn. Lord, I miss her. She's one of those people who simply makes me happy, no matter what's going on.

Okay, so here are some way random thoughts:

  • On my way to work this morning, I was being tailgated by a car with a Jesus license plate on the front bumper, so I didn't feel bad when I said 'Jesus Christ, would you get off my ass?'
  • I saw a lady walking her cat on a leash yesterday afternoon. I laughed my ass off. The cat looked embarrassed.
  • Why is it in emails that some people won't write the word 'fuck' but it's okay to use 'f**k'? Aren't you still cussing? Or at the very least making the person reading your email cuss?
  • And why do those same people write 'G*d' instead of 'God'? I've never seen anyone use 'J***s'. What's the difference?
  • Let me preface this by saying that I hate WalMart with the heat of a thousand suns, but I stopped in yesterday afternoon to buy some potting soil (it was on sale). Anyway, I used their self check out thing and decided to get cash back on my debit card and save a trip to the ATM. The damn stuff rang up at the wrong price and it took 3 cashiers 15 minutes to figure out how to fix it. By the time I was finished I was so pissed I just wanted to get the hell out of there. And, you guessed it, I left my $20 at the damn register. Serves me right. Fuckin' WalMart.
  • While talking with friends about jogging for excercise I told them that the only reason for me to run is if I'm being chased by a bear. With PMS. And it's holding my Visa bill.
  • My new musical addiction is the soundtrack to Grey's Anatomy. Fuckin' rocks.
  • And, sorry for the short notice, but there's only eight shopping days left until my birthday. Y'all better get on it.