Tangled up in blue

"I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone

why I'm a stranger in my own life..."

Sheryl Crow, "Everyday is a Winding Road"

This song has been going through my head now for several weeks and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at all of the people in my life. I see people moving forward with new jobs, new loves, new marriages...and I feel separate and stagnant. Which is surprising to me because by going back to school I am making strides to move my life in the direction I want it to go, and yet, I feel so lost in my own skin. I have family and friends who love and support me; I have a strong sense of self; I am enjoying the challenges that school has brought me; I find something everyday that makes me really laugh, yet, when I was out last night with some of my best friends and I looked around the table, I felt so lonely. How can it be that in the middle of a crowd of friends I felt utterly alone?

To be perfectly honest, I know what I think I'm missing: a partner. It started this summer when my sister got married. I'm nothing but happy for her, but it brought home the fact that she's marrying for the second time and I'm not even dating someone. I see my friend's relationships deepening and again, it makes me realize that I'm not in one. John is getting married and I'm not even bringing a date to the wedding. And any day now, I expect my brother and his wife to announce that they're having a baby. These are all things I want in my life, and of course, I love seeing them happen for others, but I can't help the tiny spark of jealousy. I'm tired of being alone and truthfully, I know that I won't be alone forever, but for now, that's the way it is. So I guess all there is to do is wait for the day when I'm closer to fine.

...there's more than one answer to these questions

pointing me in a crooked line

and the less I seek my source for some definitive

(the less I seek my source)

the closer I am to fine

the closer I am to fine

Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine"