“It’s a matter of ‘want to...’” my friend John said to me once. It doesn’t really matter what we were talking about at the time, in fact, I’m not sure I even remember, it was that long ago. Every now and again, those six little words just pop into my head, usually when I’m faced with something challenging or if I’m trying to avoid something I’d rather not face, but mostly when I am trying to justify giving up on a goal. “It’s a matter of ‘want to...’” So simple, yet sometimes so hard to put into practice.
I think it’s the simplicity of the statement is why it alternately encourages and puzzles me. Put it in the context of any goal: “I want to _____,” - whatever that goal may be: get a promotion, bulk up my savings, learn to ballroom dance, buy a house, date George Clooney, lose weight, pass a math class...anything. For it to be “a matter of want to” one simply needs to want to make it happen. Seems so easy.
Of course, as human beings, we’ll always prefer the easy way, the shortcut, to reach our goals rather than put in the necessary energy to make it happen. I’m sure I am guiltier than most in that regard. How do I change the behavior? First, I think it’s important to visualize exactly what it is I want. Second, focus on what it will take to make it happen. Third, I need to conquer my lackadaisical tendencies, occasional negative energy, and ‘I can’t’ attitude. I might just surprise myself. Finally, to keep me focused, imagine the big picture in my mind: the accomplished goal, with a successful me right in the middle of it.
There are so many things in my life that I have started and never finished or have wanted to try but haven’t. I’ve always been a dreamer and have pondered so many things, some are big, life changes (quitting my job, selling all of my belongings and travel the US with what fits in my car), others are small things that wouldn’t seem important to anyone else (organizing my kitchen pantry), or things I wanted to try but never followed through (run a marathon). It just seems that either my interest runs short somewhere in the middle (kitchen pantry) or I am simply afraid that I will fail (marathon) or it just doesn’t seem to be practical (quit job, sell everything, travel aimlessly). The most important thing I need to do is take a step back, get the hell out of my own way and stop sabotaging myself. And realize “it’s a matter of want to...”
I’ve started college three times since I graduated high school. I know the reasons I failed the first two times and it’s not anyone’s fault but mine. The first time I went was right after high school and I wasn’t anywhere close to motivated. Then I learned the greatest thing about college:
they don’t care whether you show up or not. And trust me, I took advantage of that little fact. I saw it this way: I was paying for it myself and as an adult I was responsible for myself, right? It’s not like I was one of those dropouts who mooch off their parents, I had two jobs. And a car. I was making all kinds of money bartending, the most I’d ever earned. I can live on $10,000 a year right? If I need extra cash, I could always pick up a shift. This is the life: days free to do whatever and party every night! Who needs a degree? I’m always going to be this young, this carefree, this live-for-the-right-now kind of girl, right? Trust me, it didn’t take long for reality to smack me in the face.
For years after I quit, I would occasionally mention going back. Part of me wanted to because I wanted to be the first in my family (other than Teddy) to have my degree, part of me was afraid because I had been out for so long. I didn’t want to fail. I also had no idea what I wanted to go to school for. So I didn’t. My second attempt was right after Teddy died. Since we had talked about it often, he knew how important a degree was to me and he understood my fears. He was always supportive of my decision and continually let me know that if I would just try, I would be successful. In the weeks before he died, we talked about it once again, and I promised him that I would eventually go back and graduate. And it was because of him I found what I wanted to study: social work. (As our family was dealing with everything that cancer brings, I found a support group through Hospice. Sitting among other people who were going through what I was going through was a comfort I didn’t expect.) My second attempt was less successful than my first, simply because I was in a severe depression after his death and school was the last place I needed to be, but I fully intended to keep my promise.
So, I've started college for the third time. This time around, I’m more motivated and more successful. I’ve still got at least 3 years to go, but it’s what I want. And I finally figured out how to get it. First, I acknowledged that I want to be a college graduate. Second, I researched several Human Services programs and found one that fits. Third, yeah, third...this one will always be a work in progress, I’m afraid. I am taking classes that are not my strongest area and I'm doing my best to not let fear of failure get to me. I’m still very lackadaisical and occasionally skip class and wait until the last moment to do homework. I did start going to the library 2-3 evenings for at least an hour and so far, have stuck with it (for the most part). Finally, I have a vision of the big picture: me on graduation day; me hanging my diploma on my office wall; me counseling patients; me being successful and proud of my accomplishment; me finding a new goal and making it ‘a matter of want to...’
