Resolutions Schmesolutions

Am I the only one who breaks their New Year's Resolutions before the year is even a week old? I thought I might try a different angle this year. Since I can't seem to not break resolutions, what if I make my resolution the opposite of what I really mean it to be? That way, when I break it, I really end up doing what I wanted to do in the first place. A perfect way around the system. It's genius, I tell you, GENIUS!!! (or to quote Aliecat: "It's mother fucking genius!!") Let's give it a shot. This year I reslove to:

• not work out three times a week and become more of a couch potato
• eat more chocolate and junk food
• get nothing higher than a C in my classes
• study less
• spend more money on frivolous things and put less money into savings
• cuss more
• spend less time with friends and family
• be messier around the house (right now, I guarantee that my mom is thinking "Is that even possible?!)
• volunteer less time at Hospice

Hmmm, guess we'll see how my new plan works. Happy New Year, everyone!! I hope that 2006 brings you the best life has to offer.

Tidbits

I thought I'd give some what, why, how, when and huh that makes up the who...

1. I was 15 when I got drunk for the first time. It was at a 4th of July party at the lake and my mom kept giving me sips of her margarita (or more accurately, I took gulps when she wasn't looking). Worst hangover I've ever had.
2. I'm a sucker for a happy ending.
3. I've seen James Taylor 9 times in concert. I always go with my friend Tina.
4. I do not like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. I realize this makes me un-American in the eyes of some.
5. When I find myself in the middle of a perfect moment, I will pick up a small rock to remember it by. I keep them in a vase in my bedroom.
6. I don't like coffee and have never stepped foot in a Starbucks.
7. I don't have cable TV and haven't for over 7 years.
8. I respect and admire my grandfather with blind naivete; in my eyes he is perfect and nothing will ever convince me otherwise.
9. I'm still trying to forgive myself for major mistakes I made in my early 20's.
10. My earliest memory is of almost dying from choking on a penny. I was three.
11. I love raw cookie dough.
12. On roadtrips, I'm the dork who always wants to stop at the lame roadside attractions. My friend Chris hates this.
13. Since leaving my parents house, I have moved 9 times.
14. I can wiggle my right ear but not my left.
15. I think my eyes and my smile are my best features.
16. When I was young I believed.
17. My first TV crush was on John Ritter.
18. Even though I've read everything else Stephen King has written, I've never been able to finish "The Shining", nor have I seen the movie.
19. My feet are always cold.
20. I name and talk to my plants.
21. Even though I graduated high school a virgin, I had a reputation for sleeping around simply because I hung out with the guys. I would pretend that it didn't bother me, but it did.
22. I've known my friend Tina since I was a year old. I can't fathom not knowing her.
23. I'm sorry I ever met Shawn.
24. My shoes are the first thing to come off when I get home. I rarely put them away, so they're usually all over the house.
25. Once, while drunk, I tripped over my cat and broke three toes.
26. I think that Etta James' "At Last" is the most romantic song ever recorded.
27. As a child, being alone in my parent's basement creeped me out. Still does.
28. I flirt. A lot. This caused problems with my last boyfriend.
29. My last relationship was not a healthy one. I tried to fit into a mold that wasn't me and lost myself, but I don't blame him for that.
30. I've never been to Texas.
31. Sometimes I feel I am not as good of a friend to my friends as they are to me.
32. I have only been in love once. I still miss him.
33. My sister's favorite movie is 'The Wizard of Oz" but it's always freaked me out.
34. When I was 14 I shoplifted a pair of red gloves from JC Penney's. I only wore them once.
35. I love to write and wanted to be a journalist when I was younger.
36. My first father died at the age of 40...sometimes I don't think I'll live past 40 either.
37. I dream in color.
38. Sometimes I'm jealous of my sister.
39. I will not swim in a lake.
40. I look exactly like my mom. And I don't mind.
41. I believe in a woman's right to choose, same sex marriage and the death penalty.
42. If I could live anywhere, I'd live on a vineyard in Tuscany.
43. I met two of my greatest friends in bars.
44. I put honey on my pizza.
45. I don't fall in love easily, but I do get crushes all the time.
46. I've read "Pride & Prejudice" so many times I've lost count. I think that Elizabeth Bennet is one of the greatest characters in fiction.
47. I cannot sleep without a cover or if the closet door is open.
48. I still wish on falling stars, lucky pennies and lost eyelashes.
49. When I was a kid, I thought monsters lived under my bed; I'm still not sure they don't.
50. I'm afraid I will never be a mom.

That's about all the introspection I can take for the day... Happy Thursday, y'all!!

A Song for the Season

Merry Christmas and best wishes in the new year!!

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.

To you, I'll give the world
to you, I'll never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.

"Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac

The Long Goodbye

Last night's episode of 'Alias' made me weep like a child. The focus of it was that Sydney had yet to say good-bye to Vaughn and start mourning his death. And it reminded me of the recurring dream I had about two years after Teddy died.

Teddy died in June 2001 and I was, for lack of a better word, destroyed. (It's hard to explain, but losing my second dad struck me harder than losing my first dad. I don't know if it was because I was so young when Daddy died or that I was mourning for both of them, but I was devestated.) I walked around with this huge, gaping wound that wouldn't heal. I would manage to hold it together at work, but once I got home, I would sit in the dark and cry. I cried every day for 18 months. I drank too much. I wanted that haziness, that numbness because for just an instant, it allowed me to not hurt so much. I was afraid that if I didn't feel sad, I wouldn't feel anything. I slept most weekends away. I was horribly depressed and didn't know how to find my way out. Everything suffered; my family, my friends, my state of mind. I was slowing losing myself and it had to stop.

One evening, I dug out the video from mom and Ted's wedding and made myself watch it. There my dad was, so full of life, love and humor. There was that smile always made his blue eyes shine. There was that look of pure happiness that my mom hasn't had since. There was the man I admired more than I ever thought possible. There were the Teddy hugs that I missed so much. There was my family; my family that would never be whole again. I cried the type of tears that come from the depths of your soul that night; the sounds I made were not human. I begged outloud for someone to make the last year and a half a horrible nightmare. I promised to be a better person. I wanted to trade places with him. I wanted to bring him back for my mom. I just wanted to feel that safe, nothing-could-ever-go-wrong feeling that Teddy could convey with a hand on your shoulder. And that's when I saw it. In the corner of the room, there was a quick sparkle of light and immediately, I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt Ted. I fell asleep and that's when I had the dream for the first time.

I'm standing at the top of a long driveway and a car is pulling away from me. I'm crying and start running after the car. As it gets close to the end of the drive, the car stops and Teddy gets out of the passenger side of the car and holds out his arms to me. I reach him and just cry and cry and cry on his shoulder. I keep telling him that he can't go, that it's not fair because I've already lost a daddy. He tells me that he doesn't want to, but he must. I won't let go of his hand as I say, "I'm not ready. Don't leave me. I can't do this. I can't!" He tells me that I have to do it. I have to tell him good-bye. In the dream, I couldn't say the words, so I woke up. I had this dream every night for two weeks. I always woke up at the same point to find that I had been crying in my sleep. Finally, one night, I said the words that I had been afraid of for so long. I finally said good-bye, and the dream continued. As I said the words, Teddy gave me a big smile and told me he'd see me again. Through my tears, I smiled back and told him he'd better. He got back into the car and it slowly disappeared down the drive.

That was the day I stopped mourning Teddy and started remembering him.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!

Okay, this damn theme song has been going through my head now for three days. Please make it stop!!!

This is it. This is it.

This is life, the one you get

So go and have a ball.

This is it. This is it

Straight ahead and rest assured

You can’t be sure at all.

So while you’re here enjoy the view

Keep on doing what you do

So hold on tight we'll muddle through

( Huh. I really thought this line was 'hold on tight, one arm won't do')

One day at a time, One day at a time.

So up on your feet. Up on your feet

Somewhere there’s music playing.

Don’t you worry none

We’ll just take it like it comes.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

Man, I hope this quiets the voices...

Cowboys 31, Chiefs 28

I don't want to talk about it.

K-Mart, here I come

Let it be known that I love shopping at Target; it's one of my favorite places. Until recently.

Target policy is to allow their pharmacists to not fill birth control prescriptions (including emergency contraception pills) if it conflicts with the personal beliefs/morals of the pharmacist. (http://www.saveroe.com/fillmypillsnow/) What the fuck is that about? So let me get this straight, some right-wing, pro-life conservative pharmacist can now decide whether or not I get a perfectly legal prescription for perfectly legal drugs filled? I don't fucking think so. It's funny how this only applies to prescriptions for females. I don't see any news reports about how Viagra prescriptions are being denied.

I really don't care what my pharmacist believes is right or wrong. I don't really care if they think that birth control is wrong or immoral. I don't really care if they are pro-life or pro-choice. I don't care if they are Catholic, Atheist, Islamic, Muslim or worship at the altar of sock lint. I don't care if they are conservative, liberal, right-wing, left-wing or even a Goddamn Nazi...just fill my fucking prescription and keep your opinions to yourself, thank you very much. I'm not here for a sermon, to be saved, to be judged, to be scutinized, to be discriminated against, to be censured or to be condemned. I'd like to get my pills and get on with my life. And wait, did you catch that last part? MY LIFE-not yours, you sanctimonous asswipe.

I would think that regardless of your political views, this would strike you as blatantly unfair. It is the job of the pharmacist to fill legal prescriptions and last time I checked, birth control pills and emergency contraception are legal. Can you imagine if this loose of a policy were allowed at your work place? I can see it now: "Dude, that Phil guy from Accounting wears plaid. I have a moral objection to plaid, so I refuse to help him with this project." Ridiculous? Bet your ass it is. So is Target's policy.

So, unless things change, K-Mart, here I come.

Things I don't understand

Don't worry, I won't list them all, that could take weeks!!

• Why people always ask you if it's cold enough outside for you. One of these days, I swear I'm going to respond with "No, fuckstick, it's not. What I'd really like is for my face to freeze solid and literally fall off...then it would be cold enough!"
• Why people pay extra money for a personalized license plate with the make and/or model of the car on it. What, were you afraid that I wouldn't realize that you were driving a freakin' Lexus?
• Or worse, when they put their name on the plates...did the creativity gene just skip right by you, Buddy?
• Why do I love grapes (and peaches), but hate grape (and peach) flavored things?
• Except for grape jelly (not jam) and peach jam (not jelly)?
• Why did everyone in the deli look at me strange when I asked the guy behind the counter if he could warm up my muffin?
• If someone asks you, "Can I ask you a question?" and you say "No," why do they get angry?
• Why did I dream about penguins last night? And not ordinary penguins, but mutant, 6 foot tall, Spanish-speaking penguins.
• And in this dream, why did I find that they spoke Spanish to be the only strange thing about them?
• Why do people always talk about how Arizona or Nevada may be hot, but it's a dry heat. Uh-huh. Listen, it's a dry heat inside my oven, too, smart ass. One hundred and fifteen degrees is fucking hot, dry or humid.
• Do I find Dane Cook hot because he's funny or is he funny because I think he's hot? Not that it really matters, I fuckin' love that guy!
• Why is it that the older Billy Joel gets, the more he resembles a garden gnome?

Really, I could go on for days, but I shall spare you for now. You can thank me by sending cash.

525,600 Minutes

This is fast becoming one of my favorite songs. It's the perfect reminder of what's important as 2005 inches to a close and we're presented with a brand new 525,600 minutes in 2006.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred moments so dear.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets,

in midnights, in cups of coffee.

In inches, in miles,

in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

how do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?

How about love?

How about love?

Measure in love.

Seasons of love.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand minutes.

How do you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned,

or in times that he cried.

In bridges he burned,

or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,

though the story never ends.

Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.

Remember the love.

Remember the love.

Remember the love.

Measure in love.

Seasons of love.

Seasons of love.

Measure your life in love...

Seasons of Love, from the musical RENT

Chiefs 31, Broncos 27

Hell yeah, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure some of you remember my cuss-filled post in September after the Donkeys spanked my Chiefs. And on Monday Night Football, no less. I'm here to report that there was none of that yesterday. Well, okay, maybe there was a bit after the crappy spot of the ball on 4th down, with a hair over two minutes in the 4th quarter, giving a first down to Denver, but it was all recanted when the call was overturned. Let me tell you folks, there was joy in Mudville last night after the Chiefs won this very important game.

Now, there are still some obstacles to overcome: the Chargers need to beat the Broncos, we must beat the Chargers on Christmas Eve and the Bengals on NY Day...and win at least one game against either the Cowboys or the Giants, but can you say "PLAYOFFS" boys and girls? I knew that you could.

Who cut the cheese?

I was standing in line at Mr. Goodcents last night, waiting for my sandwich to be dressed. The guy in front of me was telling the kid behind the counter what he wanted: lettuce, pickles, jalapeno, mustard and mayo. Pretty standard stuff. As the kid is putting on the mayo, he squeezes the bottle and it makes that noise. You know the one. The fart noise. The kid behind the counter giggled, the guy slicing the meat laughed, the guy ordering the sandwich laughed and the two guys behind me laughed. The ages of these guys (and yes, they were all males) ranged from 16 (the kid dressing the sandwich) to 60 (the guy ordering the sandwich), so it made me wonder: is there ever a time in the life of a guy when farts or fart noises aren't funny? I mean, come on, I expect Booger Butt to laugh at farts, but he's ten. Well, and my Uncle Harry too, I guess. I mean, he may be in his 60's but he's never really been right in the head, so we kind of expect it from him. But for five different guys to laugh because the mayo bottle farted? There were two other females in the place and we just looked at each other, rolled our eyes and shook our heads. I guess I should be thankful that none of them asked me to pull his finger.

Brick House vs. Super Freak

Okay, so which is the best funk song ever written? Let's compare, shall we?

Brick House starts out strong with that booty-grabbin' bass line, although the Lionel Richie grunt is a little off-putting.

Super Freak starts off with an equally booty-grabbin' bass line, but one wonders if you're going to hear Rick James or MC Hammer.

Advantage: Brick House

Next, we have the beginning of the lyrics. Brick House has that great low wolf whistle that acts as a signal to get your ass on the dance floor and then lets you know that "she's a brick house; she's mighty mighty, just letting it all hang out...the lady's stacked, and that's a fact, ain't holding nothing back."

Super Freak starts right off with an insult "She's a very kinky girl, the kind you don't take home to mother..." and then implies that the Super Freak is in fact a prostitute: "she will never let your spirits down, once you get her off the street..."

Advantage: Brick House

Continuing, Brick House let's everybody know that "we're together, everybody knows, this is how the story goes."

Super Freak continues to call Super Freak a ho: "she likes the boys in the band, she says that I'm her all-time favorite..."

Advantage: Brick House

But, Super Freak does have the Temptations on backing vocals...

Advantage: Super Freak

And, yes, Rick James had already died when David Chappell did his "I'm Rick James, BITCH!" skit, we all know that he would've laughed his ass off at that. Lionel Richie doesn't have much of a sense of humor about himself. (Case in point, he actually thought 'Dancing on the Ceiling' was a good song.)

Advantage: Super Freak

And the winner is: Brick House.

Next week we'll look at 70's adult comtemporary hits "Afternoon Delight" and "Time in a Bottle." Until then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars...or some shit like that.