Things I don't understand

Don't worry, I won't list them all, that could take weeks!!

• Why people always ask you if it's cold enough outside for you. One of these days, I swear I'm going to respond with "No, fuckstick, it's not. What I'd really like is for my face to freeze solid and literally fall off...then it would be cold enough!"
• Why people pay extra money for a personalized license plate with the make and/or model of the car on it. What, were you afraid that I wouldn't realize that you were driving a freakin' Lexus?
• Or worse, when they put their name on the plates...did the creativity gene just skip right by you, Buddy?
• Why do I love grapes (and peaches), but hate grape (and peach) flavored things?
• Except for grape jelly (not jam) and peach jam (not jelly)?
• Why did everyone in the deli look at me strange when I asked the guy behind the counter if he could warm up my muffin?
• If someone asks you, "Can I ask you a question?" and you say "No," why do they get angry?
• Why did I dream about penguins last night? And not ordinary penguins, but mutant, 6 foot tall, Spanish-speaking penguins.
• And in this dream, why did I find that they spoke Spanish to be the only strange thing about them?
• Why do people always talk about how Arizona or Nevada may be hot, but it's a dry heat. Uh-huh. Listen, it's a dry heat inside my oven, too, smart ass. One hundred and fifteen degrees is fucking hot, dry or humid.
• Do I find Dane Cook hot because he's funny or is he funny because I think he's hot? Not that it really matters, I fuckin' love that guy!
• Why is it that the older Billy Joel gets, the more he resembles a garden gnome?

Really, I could go on for days, but I shall spare you for now. You can thank me by sending cash.