Story of My Life...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Tom Petty, "The Waiting"

Dr. Feelgood

So yesterday afternoon while I was high as a kite in the dentist chair, I composed the greatest post ever in my head.

Unfortunately, after the nitrous wore off, can't remember a single word of it...but trust me, it was freakin' hilarious.

Or at least it was while I was trippin' balls on the happy gas.

20 Years Later

Oh, the things I would tell this girl to do differently. Then again, would I really? I mean, I like who I am, where I am, and changing even one little thing would make me a different person.

Maybe all I would tell her is to 'hold on to (18) as long as you can, changes come around too soon and make us women and men...'

Wild World

I've told my family goodbye a lot over the years...and usually through my own doing. In a few weeks, it will be a year since I left my mom at DIA and started my life here in Denver. On our way to the airport, neither one of us really said much. I can only say for myself that I was afraid that if I opened my mouth I would burst into tears. As we said our goodbyes, she hugged me tight and whispered "I hope you find what you're looking for."

Over the past few months, I've thought a lot about those words. I will admit that for a long time I felt guilty about leaving Kansas City...it's not that my family or friends ever made me feel that way, it's just something that would sneak up on me once in a while. Why wasn't I happy there? Why wasn't it enough for me? What am I looking for and why was I so sure that it wasn't in Kansas City? Am I slighting my family if I am happier living somewhere else? I still don't have many answers, but I can say this with certainty: I no longer feel guilty for forging a new path. For the first time in a long time I can say that I am happy...and I know that my family is behind me 100 percent.

And I may not have found exactly what I'm looking for, Mere, but dammit, I'm getting close.

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world

It's hard to get by just upon a smile

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world

and I'll always remember you like a child, girl

Cat Stevens, "Wild World"

Just like home

My mom totally gets me and likes to play in my reindeer games...this is from our email conversation yesterday.

kctl: Okay, I booked my flight for October.
Arrive KC: October 12, 9:18am
Depart KC: October 15, 10:00am

Do I need to make travel arrangements for Mere's Taxi Service to and from the airport or is that included with the reservation at Mere's Bed & Breakfast? I have no special diet needs, but do request a loaf of Crown Room Oat Bread, if possible. I will pay extra for delivery if necessary. Also, I seem to recall from previous visits a delightful canine named Bo. I do hope he is available for a rousing game of 'fetch' sometime during my trip.

Mere: Yes, taxi service is part of your reservation, although you may have to share with another passenger who tends to shed, so wear white. The B&B is also available; I will have the maid do up the bed with clean sheets. Bo will be delighted to play as many games of 'fetch' as your arm can handle (we ask that you remember that Bo is on a doggie diet and please do not over feed him treats, as you have done in the past). The request for Oat Bread will be filled if at all possible. Are there any other culinary requests? We also have a full salon ready for any hair care needs you may have while visiting our fair city...shall I call Mindy to schedule an appointment?

kctl: Wear white, duly noted. Please don't have the maid go to any extra trouble, I'm sure the sheets are fine (as I think I was your last guest). Although, a chocolate mint on the pillow would be appreciated (just be sure the shedding mongrel that lives there doesn't get to it first). If the Oat Bread is not available, Sourdough would be an acceptable substitute. As for other culinary requests, will selections from the Winter menu be available? If so, I would like to place pre-orders for chili and your signature Italian Stew. And yes, it would be greatly appreciated if you could please schedule an appointment with Mindy; late Friday morning will fit best with my weekend activities.

As it gets closer to travel time, I'll have my people get with your people to go over the final details.

And as always, thank you for making me feel right at home.

Totally Random Randomness

Tim of Geistweg has tagged every reader he has with the Random 8 Meme...so here are 8 random things you always wanted to know about kctl but were afraid to ask.

1. It is physically impossible for me to fall asleep on my back. I'm a tummy or side sleeper.
2. I am right handed and wear my watch on my right wrist. Don't know why, exactly, except that I started doing it in the 7th grade to be different and now I can't change it.
3. After grocery shopping,while putting things away, I must open and eat something I just bought: a bowl of cereal; a handful of grapes; a bite of ice cream...doesn't matter what it is, I simply cannot put everything away without sampling something.
4. I cannot pass by a Bassett Hound without going all gooey. I have been known to pull my car over, get out and coo at Bassetts. I blame my mother.
5. I put honey on my pizza. Not just the crust, but ON my pizza. Don't judge me. You know you're going to try it.
6. I read the first chapter of a book and then flip to the end to read the last paragraph.
7. I hide cash from myself all over my house. Usually I forget where, so it's always a surprise when a $20 bill shows up in the kitchen utensil drawer.
8. People who walk without moving their arms creep me out.

There you go, some totally random randomness on a Wednesday morning. Happy hump day, y'all.

The Un-lived Life

This is a repost from 21 February 2006...sometimes I need to remind myself

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

I can't stop thinking about these words. They fascinate and enthrall me. I feel like I'm on the edge of something really huge, really important...if only to me. I can't put my finger on it right now, but it's there...looming.

As I get older, I realize that I don't have answers for anyone but myself. I'm not going to look for other people's answers or other people's truths any more. Nor will I accept their answers or truths as my own. It's every one for themselves.

Lately, I find myself caring less and less about my own desires and more about my contribution to the world. What is my purpose? What is my role? The only answer I have found is this: my life is my message.

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

Life is made up of grand, sweeping gestures. Huge, load carrying moments: births, deaths, loves, betrayals, victories, defeats...but it is also made up of small, even inconsequential actions. Quiet, anonymous moments. And lately, I've realized that neither is more important than the other. Looking at my life, I thought, "Is this it?" And had an epiphany. Yes, this is it. This is all there is, this one life, this one haphazard collection of moments - big and small. This predetermined time that can slip through our fingers un-lived if we aren't careful.

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

More often than not, we are the instruments of our own destruction and I refuse to be that any more. Because, this is all there is. My past is filled with big moments that have changed me for better and for worse, forever. There are also small moments that had a huge impact. Lately, it's the small moments I've been focusing on. I don't have any illusions about what I can and cannot do, what I am willing and not willing to do. I think the big moments simply come to you, usually without warning, and you're measured by how you react to them. You get the small moments to prepare. They're practice.

Let go of the things you regret, the moments you feel you failed. Let go of the things you use to bully or shame yourself into being a better person. That's the great thing about life - there always seems to be another chance. There's always another person, another job, another love, another moment when you can choose who you want to be and declare it to the world. We are able to constantly re-invent ourselves. The mistakes you made once upon a time don't have to follow you around for the rest of your life unless you want them to. The past has done just that - it has passed.

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

And from here on, refuse to dwell in the darkness.

I believe in love

It's obvious from my previous post that I am sad...and heartbroken. I met someone and fell pretty hard and fast for him. I didn't expect to, especially given the circumstances, but I did.

We met in Vegas and from the beginning, it seemed all odds were against us ever getting together, the least of which being we live in different states. Things started innocently enough when we both got back to our real lives. An email here, a text there, just getting to know each other...next thing you know, he was in Denver for work and that's when everything changed. We spent two days together and when he left to go home, it felt as if someone had ripped my heart out. The past few months have been amazing, learning the little things...the things we have in common and the things we taught each other. Growing closer didn't change the fact that there are circumstances that cannot - or even possibly should not- be changed right now, so over the weekend, we decided to end things. It's been two days and I can't get my head around the fact that it's over.

I miss him.

Strong Enough

Crossed the line
Felt too much
Pushed too hard
Risked it all
Broke my heart
Yet I discovered
I was strong enough after all
To tell you goodbye

Confidential to you: This doesn't mean I don't miss you. I do...more than I could ever express. You are more than you know, my dear friend. Do what needs to be done and I will be here wishing you the best. Always, T.