Things I learned this weekend

Lessons learned on Thursday:

• setting up for the American Royal BBQ is just as much fun as the actual competition
• heeled boots are not the best foot gear for hanging out at the Royal
• threading Christmas lights through a food tent is harder than it sounds
• Pat Joe is a perv

Lessons learned on Friday:

• calling the police to report a suspicious package sets off a chain of events that last for several hours
• the bomb squad truck is very discreet; however, the techs wear shirts that say "BOMB SQUAD" in big, bold letters across the back - not so discreet
• bomb techs have weird senses of humor
• the media will show up and ask stupid questions and get testy with you when you say 'no comment'
• several local TV reporters are much, much shorter in person
• it takes 7 cops, 2 bomb techs, a fully suited HAZ-MAT team, and 2 firetrucks with firefighters in full gear to tell you that there is no threat
• JB's full-blooded Polack father is a vodka pusher
• Polish vodka is very dangerous
• Drinking too much at the rehersal dinner is ill-advised when you have to be at the church the next morning by 9am

Lessons learned Saturday:

• Up-do's in So JoCo will run you about $65
• Mimosas in the salon while getting your hair and make-up done at the ass crack of dawn is a great idea
• wedding picture sessions never start on time
• the groom and his groomsmen walking up to the church through the parking lot looks a lot like the opening scene of "Resevoir Dogs"
• it's okay to beat the bride at foos-ball while waiting for the ceremony to start
• not bowing at the altar in a Catholic church does not go unnoticed by the mother of the groom
• I still cry at weddings
• drinking a combination of beer, champagne, Polish vodka (obviously the lesson from Friday didn't take), and Cap't & Coke at the reception and on a nearly empty stomach equals sleeping it off in your car

Lessons learned on Sunday:

• tailgating with a hang-over is not a good time
• $70 for a scalped ticket is too much (especially after the game starts)
• wearing a T-shirt with 'I heart Dick' gets a lot of attention at the stadium
• most people don't think the shirt means Dick Vermeil
• losing a game you should've won is painful
• T.O. is a taunting ass-hat
• walking from the backside of Arrowhead to the Clarion takes about 15 minutes
• and it's mostly uphill
• hooking up with Philly fans in the hotel bar is a good time
• hooking up with hot, nice, firemen Philly fans named Dom, Tony, Ryan and Ferdinand is an even better time
• spending four hours yelling in the stadium, five hours talking over people in the bar on very little sleep makes your voice crack like Peter Brady's
• 'water' is pronounced 'wooder' in Philly-ese
• free beer is good beer

Lessons learned on Monday:

• having the foresight to take the day off after a long, drunk, tiring weekend is smart
• napping for three hours in the afternoon is brilliant