A letter to Daddy
Dear Daddy,
I can't believe it's been 25 years.
I sometimes wonder, do you recognize me when you look down from Heaven? I'm not the little girl I was in the summer of 1980. My skinned knees, stringy blonde ponytail and innocence are gone now. I wonder if you see the parts of me that I want to keep hidden from the world: my shortcomings, my failures, my disappointments. I wonder if you are proud of the things I have accomplished? I wonder if you know of the dreams I have yet to realize. I wonder if you know what path my life might have taken if you hadn't died. Would things be different? I wonder if you know that mom gave me your wedding ring on my 21st birthday. And I wonder if you know that I never take it off. I wonder if you know that everyone sees you in my dimples and slightly crooked smile.
I wonder if you know what a great mom Kelly is. I look at your grandchildren and am sad that they only know you as Grandpa Kermit, like a character in stories they've heard all their lives. C is just 10 1/2, still such a baby in my eyes, but then, the same age I was when you died. He has his Grandpa's deep-set, hazel eyes that crinkle into almost nothing when he smiles, just like his mothers do. I wonder if you can see that L has a small gap between her front teeth, just like you did. She also has your quick wit and dry sense of humor, just like I do. Do you smile and shake your head at her silly questions like you did when I asked the same ones? I wonder if you know that Kelly gave them middle names that start with 'D' in honor of you. Have you already met the children I will have? Do you already know what parts of them will be parts of you?
I wonder if you were hurt because we love and looked at Teddy as a dad, too. I wonder if you were there to welcome him when he died and to thank him for looking after your girls. I wonder if you realize what a strong woman mom is; she doesn't see it, but I do. I wonder if you know how much it means to me that you visit me in my dreams. I wonder if you know I would give anything for one day to see you through the eyes of an adult instead of a child.
I wonder if you can feel how much I still miss you everyday. And I wonder if you saw me cry myself to sleep last night because it's been 25 years since that Tuesday afternoon changed my life forever.
I love you, Daddy.
Terri Lynn
I can't believe it's been 25 years.
I sometimes wonder, do you recognize me when you look down from Heaven? I'm not the little girl I was in the summer of 1980. My skinned knees, stringy blonde ponytail and innocence are gone now. I wonder if you see the parts of me that I want to keep hidden from the world: my shortcomings, my failures, my disappointments. I wonder if you are proud of the things I have accomplished? I wonder if you know of the dreams I have yet to realize. I wonder if you know what path my life might have taken if you hadn't died. Would things be different? I wonder if you know that mom gave me your wedding ring on my 21st birthday. And I wonder if you know that I never take it off. I wonder if you know that everyone sees you in my dimples and slightly crooked smile.
I wonder if you know what a great mom Kelly is. I look at your grandchildren and am sad that they only know you as Grandpa Kermit, like a character in stories they've heard all their lives. C is just 10 1/2, still such a baby in my eyes, but then, the same age I was when you died. He has his Grandpa's deep-set, hazel eyes that crinkle into almost nothing when he smiles, just like his mothers do. I wonder if you can see that L has a small gap between her front teeth, just like you did. She also has your quick wit and dry sense of humor, just like I do. Do you smile and shake your head at her silly questions like you did when I asked the same ones? I wonder if you know that Kelly gave them middle names that start with 'D' in honor of you. Have you already met the children I will have? Do you already know what parts of them will be parts of you?
I wonder if you were hurt because we love and looked at Teddy as a dad, too. I wonder if you were there to welcome him when he died and to thank him for looking after your girls. I wonder if you realize what a strong woman mom is; she doesn't see it, but I do. I wonder if you know how much it means to me that you visit me in my dreams. I wonder if you know I would give anything for one day to see you through the eyes of an adult instead of a child.
I wonder if you can feel how much I still miss you everyday. And I wonder if you saw me cry myself to sleep last night because it's been 25 years since that Tuesday afternoon changed my life forever.
I love you, Daddy.
Terri Lynn
posted by kcterrilynn at 7:34 AM
10 Comments:
You post literally brought me to tears. It's such a beautiful letter to your father. I'm sorry that you lost him so young. I can't even imagine.
I hate to admit it because I consider myself to be a pretty tough guy, but I am fighting back tears from your post. I am so sorry for your pain.
what a beautiful, painful letter. i am so sorry for your loss.
Oh my gosh...I am totally in tears right now.
That was a BEAUTIFUL letter, Terrilynn. Thank you for sharing it with us. I'm certain your dad can feel your love. And I am sorry for the pain you feel. (hugs)
Thanks everyone. And my apologies, I didn't mean to make y'all cry, I just needed to get it out. And now I feel so much better that it's out there. I almost didn't post it, I was afraid it was too personal, but then I came to the realization that most people who blog do: this is personal, it's about me, so by design, it's very personal.
Thank you so much for the support, it means a lot.
No need to apologize about the tears. :) You moved me with your letter and I found it incredibly loving. It's rare to catch a glimpse inside someone's heart. So for that I thank you for being so open and personal.
I imagine it would be easy for him to answer 'yes' to all but one of those questions. I don't imagine he'd want you to apologize for loving Teddy too.
wow, that was very well written letter. Thanks for sharing with us. :)
Ditto what Marie said.
Geez, just took the time to read this and had to hold back the tears since I'm at work. I can't even imagine what I'll do if/when my parents die. You obviously have become the woman your dad would be so proud to say "she's my daughter!"
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