Monday, August 08, 2005

Losing my religion

During a girls night a few weeks ago, my two friends and I were discussing faith, God, spirituality, the Universe and other such things that come to mind after three bottles of Cabernet. And I said something out loud that I hadn't ever said before: I have been angry at God for a very long time.

Growing up, church was not a priority in our house. We would attend sevices when we visited our grandparents, but it was not a weekly occurance at home. I used to love to go to different churches with my friends (Lutheran with Tina, Catholic with Christy) but to me, it was more for the pagentry and show-like aspects of the services. It was like theatre. After my first dad died, my mom made my sister and I go to church for almost a year. Attending church made my mom feel better, but not me. I hated it. I was young, confused and angry. I didn't understand why everyone expected me to worship a God who had taken my daddy from me. I didn't want to sing, pray or rejoice. I wanted answers and I wanted to be mad at someone. For me, that someone was God. After a year or so, my mom let up and we didn't have to go if we didn't want to, so I didn't.

When my mom met and married my second dad, I remember thinking that God was trying to make amends. I didn't totally gave up my anger, but I think I tempered it a little. I would attend church on occassion with my family, but it wasn't something I felt, if that makes sense. Instead of concentrating on the sermon, my mind would wander to what I would have for breakfast after the service or I would plan the rest of my day. I just didn't get it. I would go to church because it made my parents happy, not because I got anything out of it. Then in June of 2001, my second dad died and I got angry all over again. I know how irrational that is, but it doesn't change how I feel. And two weeks ago at that girls night was the first time I actually said it out loud.

I don't want it to sound like I don't believe in a higher power, because I truly do. I'm just not sure I believe in the traditional organized religions per se. I never understood why some people feel that in order to be pious, you must suffer. I don't judge those who are devout followers of other docterines, to each their own, it's just that they don't work for me. So, Chris suggested that I attend a service with her at the Center for Spiritual Living (http://www.cslkc.org/), and I attended a service with her yesterday. It was an eye-opening experience. I didn't feel preached at, or judged, just accepted for the flawed human being I am. I don't want to be angry at God anymore, maybe this will help me to finally give up the anger that has been weighing heavily on my soul.

4 Comments:

Blogger Marie said...

Wow, I very much enjoyed reading what you have to say. And in a way, I very much relate. I realized not long ago that I stopped praying back in 1998. And I realized alot of it was because of some anger that I had and still carry a bit to this day.

I have issues with organized religion (growing up Catholic), but I do hold certain belief systems and try to maintain some form of spirituality that enriches my mind and soul.

I have more to say on this topic. I just wanted to let you know that it really struck a chord with me because I find myself in a similar situation when it comes to God. Thank you for sharing! It sounds like you had a really good discussion with your friends.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Robb said...

I usually don't like to comment on religious topics, but I just wanted to say that I feel like we all go through feeling like that at one time or another. I hope you find the peace you are searching for.

10:11 PM  
Blogger kcterrilynn said...

Thanks for the comments, guys. I was a little nervous about putting this one out there, but then I realized that I want this blog to be an honest look at what I'm thinking and feeling at any given time. I'd also like to say that I really appreciate the feedback and support; it means a lot.

Marie-it's good to know that I'm not the only person in the world questioning things. I hope you find your way as well.

Robb-thanks for the well wishes; I hope you find peace as well (re: your son).

Hope y'all have a great week.

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your feelings are real and shouldn't be dismissed because loss of a loved one would make anyone angry. I do have to say though, why not blame Satan, not God for a change. Satan is the one that brought death and destruction to this earth - he was given free will like the rest of God's angels, he just chose to be self serving! God is pretty awesome and I definately don't understand the "why's" of life, I just know that I'd prefer his presence in my afterlife than Satan's.

9:43 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home