Losing my religion
During a girls night a few weeks ago, my two friends and I were discussing faith, God, spirituality, the Universe and other such things that come to mind after three bottles of Cabernet. And I said something out loud that I hadn't ever said before: I have been angry at God for a very long time.
Growing up, church was not a priority in our house. We would attend sevices when we visited our grandparents, but it was not a weekly occurance at home. I used to love to go to different churches with my friends (Lutheran with Tina, Catholic with Christy) but to me, it was more for the pagentry and show-like aspects of the services. It was like theatre. After my first dad died, my mom made my sister and I go to church for almost a year. Attending church made my mom feel better, but not me. I hated it. I was young, confused and angry. I didn't understand why everyone expected me to worship a God who had taken my daddy from me. I didn't want to sing, pray or rejoice. I wanted answers and I wanted to be mad at someone. For me, that someone was God. After a year or so, my mom let up and we didn't have to go if we didn't want to, so I didn't.
When my mom met and married my second dad, I remember thinking that God was trying to make amends. I didn't totally gave up my anger, but I think I tempered it a little. I would attend church on occassion with my family, but it wasn't something I felt, if that makes sense. Instead of concentrating on the sermon, my mind would wander to what I would have for breakfast after the service or I would plan the rest of my day. I just didn't get it. I would go to church because it made my parents happy, not because I got anything out of it. Then in June of 2001, my second dad died and I got angry all over again. I know how irrational that is, but it doesn't change how I feel. And two weeks ago at that girls night was the first time I actually said it out loud.
I don't want it to sound like I don't believe in a higher power, because I truly do. I'm just not sure I believe in the traditional organized religions per se. I never understood why some people feel that in order to be pious, you must suffer. I don't judge those who are devout followers of other docterines, to each their own, it's just that they don't work for me. So, Chris suggested that I attend a service with her at the Center for Spiritual Living (http://www.cslkc.org/), and I attended a service with her yesterday. It was an eye-opening experience. I didn't feel preached at, or judged, just accepted for the flawed human being I am. I don't want to be angry at God anymore, maybe this will help me to finally give up the anger that has been weighing heavily on my soul.
Growing up, church was not a priority in our house. We would attend sevices when we visited our grandparents, but it was not a weekly occurance at home. I used to love to go to different churches with my friends (Lutheran with Tina, Catholic with Christy) but to me, it was more for the pagentry and show-like aspects of the services. It was like theatre. After my first dad died, my mom made my sister and I go to church for almost a year. Attending church made my mom feel better, but not me. I hated it. I was young, confused and angry. I didn't understand why everyone expected me to worship a God who had taken my daddy from me. I didn't want to sing, pray or rejoice. I wanted answers and I wanted to be mad at someone. For me, that someone was God. After a year or so, my mom let up and we didn't have to go if we didn't want to, so I didn't.
When my mom met and married my second dad, I remember thinking that God was trying to make amends. I didn't totally gave up my anger, but I think I tempered it a little. I would attend church on occassion with my family, but it wasn't something I felt, if that makes sense. Instead of concentrating on the sermon, my mind would wander to what I would have for breakfast after the service or I would plan the rest of my day. I just didn't get it. I would go to church because it made my parents happy, not because I got anything out of it. Then in June of 2001, my second dad died and I got angry all over again. I know how irrational that is, but it doesn't change how I feel. And two weeks ago at that girls night was the first time I actually said it out loud.
I don't want it to sound like I don't believe in a higher power, because I truly do. I'm just not sure I believe in the traditional organized religions per se. I never understood why some people feel that in order to be pious, you must suffer. I don't judge those who are devout followers of other docterines, to each their own, it's just that they don't work for me. So, Chris suggested that I attend a service with her at the Center for Spiritual Living (http://www.cslkc.org/), and I attended a service with her yesterday. It was an eye-opening experience. I didn't feel preached at, or judged, just accepted for the flawed human being I am. I don't want to be angry at God anymore, maybe this will help me to finally give up the anger that has been weighing heavily on my soul.
posted by kcterrilynn at 9:15 AM
4 Comments:
Wow, I very much enjoyed reading what you have to say. And in a way, I very much relate. I realized not long ago that I stopped praying back in 1998. And I realized alot of it was because of some anger that I had and still carry a bit to this day.
I have issues with organized religion (growing up Catholic), but I do hold certain belief systems and try to maintain some form of spirituality that enriches my mind and soul.
I have more to say on this topic. I just wanted to let you know that it really struck a chord with me because I find myself in a similar situation when it comes to God. Thank you for sharing! It sounds like you had a really good discussion with your friends.
I usually don't like to comment on religious topics, but I just wanted to say that I feel like we all go through feeling like that at one time or another. I hope you find the peace you are searching for.
Thanks for the comments, guys. I was a little nervous about putting this one out there, but then I realized that I want this blog to be an honest look at what I'm thinking and feeling at any given time. I'd also like to say that I really appreciate the feedback and support; it means a lot.
Marie-it's good to know that I'm not the only person in the world questioning things. I hope you find your way as well.
Robb-thanks for the well wishes; I hope you find peace as well (re: your son).
Hope y'all have a great week.
Your feelings are real and shouldn't be dismissed because loss of a loved one would make anyone angry. I do have to say though, why not blame Satan, not God for a change. Satan is the one that brought death and destruction to this earth - he was given free will like the rest of God's angels, he just chose to be self serving! God is pretty awesome and I definately don't understand the "why's" of life, I just know that I'd prefer his presence in my afterlife than Satan's.
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