Grammie 1918-2006

There's a wreath on the door she don't live here no more
As of today she flew home
And we all gathered here in sorrow and tears
It won't be the same with her gone
There's a place on the hill that's peaceful and still
Where she'll sleep beside daddy again
The ole family tree is shedding its leaves
But we'll all met in heaven again

Oh she's an angel let her fly, let her fly
She's gone home to glory to her home in the sky
When God sees her coming, heaven's choir will smile
And say oh she's an angel let her fly, let her fly
Oh she's an angel let her fly

She used to rock me when I was a child
Sing 'Rock of Ages' and 'In the Sweet By and By'
Her life wasn't easy oh but how hard she tried
You know she's an angel Lord so let her fly
Oh she's an angel let her fly, let her fly...
Ooh she's an angel let her fly

Dolly Parton, 'Let Her Fly'

Reaching out and reaching in; holding out, holding in

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

I can't stop thinking about these words. They fascinate and enthrall me. I feel like I'm on the edge of something really huge, really important...if only to me. I can't put my finger on it right now, but it's there...looming.

As I get older, I realize that I don't have answers for anyone but myself. I'm not going to look for other people's answers or other people's truths any more. Nor will I accept their answers or truths as my own. It's every one for themselves. Self-interest is the new black.

Lately, I find myself caring less and less about my own desires and more about my contribution to the world. What is my purpose? What is my role? The only answer I have found is this: my life is my message.

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

Life is made up of grand, sweeping gestures. Huge, load carrying moments: births, deaths, loves, betrayals, victories, defeats...but it is also made up of small, even inconsequential actions. Quiet, anonymous moments. And lately, I've realized that neither is more important than the other. Looking at my life, I thought, "Is this it?" And had an epiphany. Yes, this is it. This is all there is, this one life, this one haphazard collection of moments - big and small. This predetermined time that can slip through our fingers un-lived if we aren't careful.

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

More often than not, we are the instruments of our own destruction and I refuse to be that any more. Because, this is all there is. My past is filled with big moments that have changed me for better and for worse, forever. There are also small moments that had a huge impact. Lately, it's the small moments I've been focusing on. I don't have any illusions about what I can and cannot do, what I am willing to do and am not willing to do. I think the big moments simply come to you, usually without warning, and you're measured by how you react to them. You get the small moments to prepare. They're practice.

Let go of the things you regret, the moments you feel you failed. Let go of the things you use to bully or shame yourself into being a better person. That's the great thing about life - there always seems to be another chance. There's always another person, another job, another love, another moment when you can choose who you want to be and declare it to the world. We are able to constantly re-invent ourselves. The mistakes you made once upon a time don't have to follow you around for the rest of your life unless you want them to. The past has done just that - it has passed.

What doesn't transmit light creates its own darkness...

And from here on, refuse to dwell in the darkness.

Back from the brink

I've been laid low by some nasty cold/flu/death virus. Holy crap.

Wednesday evening, I just felt mildly bad. Thursday, I wanted to sleep for a week. Friday, I was in a 102.5 fever haze and don't remember much. Saturday, I wanted someone to put me out of my misery with a single shot to the head. Sunday, the fever finally broke and I started to feel moderately human again. Today, I'm just tired as all hell and I'd rather be home in bed.

If it wasn't for The Mama, I would've perished for certain. She brought me kcterrilynn's sick staples: orange juice, soup and ice cream. Good Mama.

Terre Haute

Just the idea of it intrigued her.

"This is going to be fun,"

she whispered to herself.

Bits and Pieces...

Don't really have much today, just a few things floating around...

• I was following a car with a bumper sticker that read "God is my co-pilot." Does this mean that all passengers have to sit in the back seat because God is always riding shotgun? Do you suppose that God is a backseat driver?
• It's really hard to be ba-hum-bug about Valentine's Day when yesterday morning my niece and nephew were knocking on my door at 7:30 to deliver cards and kisses.
• On the way into the office today, I was surrounded by 6 Chevy Envoys. It was an Envoy Convoy. And yes, that made me start talking to myself in trucker-speak. 10-4, good buddy.
• I'm not really into muscle cars, but damn, the new Dodge Charger is HOT! I think I want one.
• The person who lives in the apartment next to me has put one of those Glade Wisp air fresheners in the hallway. The open air hallway. What the hell is that about? Do you suppose he's trying to cover up the odor of a rotting corpse or something?
• Life & Style magazine is reporting that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have split. Does anyone even care anymore?
• As a Property Management firm, we send out yearly surveys asking our tenants how we're doing. And most of the time the responses are very helpful. Here is an unedited response from one of my contacts...(all missed punctuation, creative spelling and random capitalization are hers): I noticed today , for the first time, maybe has started sooner, but the Toilet Paper in the ladies bathroom has changed size ( smaller ) and texture (rougher) , and I m not sure I like that !! Is the Paper cheaper ? the other with the heart and flower diamond design is WAY superior and softer, and .. .larger. a good thing. So , even if you are a getting it for the same price? you are not getting a good bargain...So here is one vote to go back the previous brand.
  New paper per sheet is 4 1/16 " by 3 9/16
  Old paper is 4 8/16 by 4 Even " Thanks, Beth
• Yep, this is just an example of the people I deal with on a regualr basis.

Happy Wednesday!!

Hello-ello-ello-ello

Yeah, it's been kind of quiet around here, I know. My grandmother is not doing well, so I went to visit over the weekend. The doctors don't know shit, so it seems we're in a holding pattern there. She could live another week or another year. Let's hope it's the latter.

And not to mention I'm up to here in school. I turn in a massive paper tomorrow, so I'll be back Wednesday. I know, I know, it'll be tough but try to hold on until then. ;)

Ada Marie

Memories of a beloved Grandmother. I love you, Grammie.

I remember Brachs caramels in the summertime.

I remember when you made a jello mold with marshmallow, pears and coconut and you asked me why I wasn't eating any. I told you it was because I didn't like coconut. The next time we visited, you had made me my own little jello mold without the coconut. I ate the whole thing because I didn't have the heart to tell you that I didn't like jello either.

I remember when you gave me "Silence of the Lambs" to read. I was 12 and you thought it might be too scary, but wanted me to read it anyway. It's still one of my favorite books.

I remember when I sent you copies of my first published story for the high school newspaper, you called and told me how proud you were of me.

I remember how you let us grandkids sneak sips of Cold Duck at Grandad's annual Christmas parties.

I remember that long after most everyone in the family stopped calling me 'Terri Lynn' you never did.

I remember the taste of your Million Dollar Fudge and how you wouldn't give anyone the receipe.

I remember the pure happiness on your face when I stopped by your house for a surprise visit when I was driving to Colorado. It was the first time I'd ever visited on my own. You told me I was becoming the beautiful, strong woman you always knew I'd be.

I remember how straight and tall you would hold your shoulders when you walked.

I remember the sparkle in your eyes when you talked about the many trips around the world you and Grandad had taken.

I remember the echo of your laughter off the tile walls when Grandad had convinced a 4 year-old me that he had caught a fart in his hands.

I remember weeks with you and Grandad every summer. After you thought Kelly and I had fallen asleep, you would come to our room and tuck us in again with kisses and "I love you's." Kelly was always asleep, but most of the time I was faking. Those nighttime kisses made me feel safe.

I remember your off center sense of humor and that little giggle you'd get when you found something incredibly funny.

I remember after daddy's funeral, you cuddled me on your lap and kissed my teary cheeks. When I asked if we were going to be okay, you told me "Of course; your mother is strong and will always be there to look after you." You were right, but what I didn't know then, but do now is that she takes after her mother.

...I-I am a diamond

I cannot be broken

I-I am a diamond

And I cannot be broken

You're a diamond too

I was cut from you...

"Broken" by Antigone Rising

Illusion of Control

If you hold on to the handle,

she said, it's easier to maintain

the illusion of control.

But it's more fun if you let the wind carry you.

Have mercy

Dear Algebra Gods,

I know I've cursed you in the past, but I'm asking for that to please be forgotten. I hope you aren't still holding a grudge for that incident in the 8th grade; I didn't mean it when I said Algebra was evil. I was angry and needed to blame someone. I'm very sorry about that and yes, I know we've had our differences, but I'd really like to make amends. I enrolled in Algebra this semester in good faith and with the hope that I might actually understand you. Anyway, I have a math test tonight and I could really use your help. I don't expect special treatment, just please let me remember the basics. I've been trying not to depend on your benevolence, and have taken steps to actually learn the procedures (a radical step, I know): three nights a week I go to the library and work and re-work my homework assignments. I might even go so far as to say that some of it makes sense. I'm not asking for an 'A,' I mean, please, who are we kidding? But a 'C+' would really do a lot to build my math confidence.

In the name of Algebra, Geometry and Trig I pray. Amen.