What I did at work yesterday...
The following is an email conversation between my friend Chris and I:
Me: God save me from the dullness around here today! Geez...there's got to be something I can do to lessen the boredom. Study, perhaps? Nah. Surf the 'net? Nah. Play computer games? Nah. Poke myself in the eye with a Sharpie and enjoy a quick ride to the emergency room? Ding ding ding!! We have a winner!!!
Chris: I hadn't thought of that. Do you think they could have us in and out of the ER in time for Happy Hour? We might be the talk of Rudy's if we show up with matching eye patches. :) I literally have NOTHING to do. I really need to ask someone else if they need help, but nah. I am praying for the phone to ring. What the hell is wrong with me.
The Vinster took me to lunch today. I wish I had one of those jobs where I could take two hours and have cocktails with lunch. But, no. That ain't happening. 3 more hours. I may survive.
Me: Hey! I have one of those jobs!!
I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it another three hours. I'm mostly sure I'm not going to make it another three hours. I don't think I'm going to make it another three hours. I'm kinda sure I'm not going to make it another three hours. I ain't going to make it another three hours. Someone shoot me now. Let's stop kidding ourselves and just call it a day.
Okay, focus, Terri. You can do this. It's a piece of cake. Mmmmm. Cake. Chocolate cake. With double chocolate frosting. Served on a plate made of chocolate and eaten with forks made of fudge. With white chocolate napkins. Sorry, where was I? Got lost in the middle of a chocolate fantasy...
Chris: I am pretty sure I am right behind you. The last 11 minutes have taken at least 3 hours to pass by. I am looking forward to 3. That's when I head to the bathroom to primp and change clothes for Happy Hour. That should take at least 15 minutes off of this day.
That was a nice little chocolate fantasy. You should be a writer in your spare time. I totally had the visual working.
Me: I am totally going to go all karaoke on someone's ass tomorrow night. I've been listening to my new favorite CD's I got from Pottery Barn on Sunday and I'm kicking some serious ass on "The Pina Colada Song" and "Son of a Preacher Man." And even though I'm the only judge in my office today, I really think I've been doing quite a stellar job. Of butchering the songs that is. I'm sure the folks in the lobby would agree, once their convinced that I'm singing and not having an attack of Tourette's. But wait until they hear my rendition of "To Sir with Love." It'll bring a tear to their eye, and vomit to the mouth. Sorry, a little too graphic? I'll tone it done just a hair.
Chris: You are in rare form today, Girl. I can't wait to get a Marg in you. After my day yesterday, I need a good belly laugh. No pressure. :)
Oh, and can't wait for your "stellar" performance. Apparently you are going to have quite the audience.
Me: If I were you, I'd be scared, but okay. See, this is what happens when I am left to my own devices. You think the inside of Rob's head is scary...you should try to live in mine for a while. It's like a carnival, toy store, circus (without elephants because I think they'd give me headache tramping around in there), desert island, orgy, and cocktail party (duh!) all in one. Good news is, there's no cover charge.
Chris: Your head would be fun. Rob's head, still scary.
Me: Clock check...damn, still not 4:30. I'm not going to make it. I'm really not. Perhaps 4 would be better...just don't see how I'll survive once you leave. Whimper, whimper, whine. Chris gets out of jail a whole 30 minutes before me!! It's not fair!! I demand a recount...
Chris: Yes, and Chris gets incarcerated 30 minutes before you everyday too. :) Leave early. Who'll know? There can't be anything going on around there. I am off to the bathroom to change and make me pretty. That should suck up a few minutes.
Me: True...but when I said "not fair", I meant for me, not you. I don't give a hoot about you. It's dog eat dog out there (reminds me of one of the all time greatest Norm lines from Cheers: "It's dog eat dog out there Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk-bone underwear.") so it's every person for themselves! I'd throw you under the bus just as soon look 'atcha! "Are you feelin' lucky, punk?" "Make my day!" "Asta la vista, baby!" "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" "I bet she give great helmet." "You talkin' to me?!" "Today (aaayyy) is our Independence Day (aaayyy)!" "Play it again, Sam!" "Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?" "Yippee ki ay, motherfucker!"
Tangent,much?
Chris: It is totally unfair that I am the only recipient of you wit and charm today. You're killing me.
Me: Well then, my job here is done. Amusing you, amuses me. Speaking of musing, since my last email, I've been pondering the comfort of Milk-bone underwear. What would they be stitched together with? How would you sit in them? Would they make a thong variety or just granny panties and briefs? Are they washable or do you just toss them at the end of the day and grab a new pair for tomorrow? Actually, there's a great idea!! Disposable underwear! C'mon, you can't tell me that bachelor's everywhere wouldn't be all over that! It's the million dollar idea I've been looking for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris: Have you eaten today? I am fearing for our lives if you start putting liquor in your system in this condition.
Get up, go straight to the deli, do not pass go, do not go to jail. Just put something, anything into your stomach. You have got to be feeling light headed.
Me: Good point. Thank you for your concern, mom. And as usual, you are completely right...I've had yogurt, Triscuits, a banana and a bowl of soup. But, alas, the deli is closed, so I'll just have to make do with a couple of enchiladas. And margaritas. Lots and lots of margaritas!!
You're leaving me now, aren't you. Fine. I'll meet you in exactly 20 minutes. You know the drill: gold, rocks, salt, please.
Me: God save me from the dullness around here today! Geez...there's got to be something I can do to lessen the boredom. Study, perhaps? Nah. Surf the 'net? Nah. Play computer games? Nah. Poke myself in the eye with a Sharpie and enjoy a quick ride to the emergency room? Ding ding ding!! We have a winner!!!
Chris: I hadn't thought of that. Do you think they could have us in and out of the ER in time for Happy Hour? We might be the talk of Rudy's if we show up with matching eye patches. :) I literally have NOTHING to do. I really need to ask someone else if they need help, but nah. I am praying for the phone to ring. What the hell is wrong with me.
The Vinster took me to lunch today. I wish I had one of those jobs where I could take two hours and have cocktails with lunch. But, no. That ain't happening. 3 more hours. I may survive.
Me: Hey! I have one of those jobs!!
I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make it another three hours. I'm mostly sure I'm not going to make it another three hours. I don't think I'm going to make it another three hours. I'm kinda sure I'm not going to make it another three hours. I ain't going to make it another three hours. Someone shoot me now. Let's stop kidding ourselves and just call it a day.
Okay, focus, Terri. You can do this. It's a piece of cake. Mmmmm. Cake. Chocolate cake. With double chocolate frosting. Served on a plate made of chocolate and eaten with forks made of fudge. With white chocolate napkins. Sorry, where was I? Got lost in the middle of a chocolate fantasy...
Chris: I am pretty sure I am right behind you. The last 11 minutes have taken at least 3 hours to pass by. I am looking forward to 3. That's when I head to the bathroom to primp and change clothes for Happy Hour. That should take at least 15 minutes off of this day.
That was a nice little chocolate fantasy. You should be a writer in your spare time. I totally had the visual working.
Me: I am totally going to go all karaoke on someone's ass tomorrow night. I've been listening to my new favorite CD's I got from Pottery Barn on Sunday and I'm kicking some serious ass on "The Pina Colada Song" and "Son of a Preacher Man." And even though I'm the only judge in my office today, I really think I've been doing quite a stellar job. Of butchering the songs that is. I'm sure the folks in the lobby would agree, once their convinced that I'm singing and not having an attack of Tourette's. But wait until they hear my rendition of "To Sir with Love." It'll bring a tear to their eye, and vomit to the mouth. Sorry, a little too graphic? I'll tone it done just a hair.
Chris: You are in rare form today, Girl. I can't wait to get a Marg in you. After my day yesterday, I need a good belly laugh. No pressure. :)
Oh, and can't wait for your "stellar" performance. Apparently you are going to have quite the audience.
Me: If I were you, I'd be scared, but okay. See, this is what happens when I am left to my own devices. You think the inside of Rob's head is scary...you should try to live in mine for a while. It's like a carnival, toy store, circus (without elephants because I think they'd give me headache tramping around in there), desert island, orgy, and cocktail party (duh!) all in one. Good news is, there's no cover charge.
Chris: Your head would be fun. Rob's head, still scary.
Me: Clock check...damn, still not 4:30. I'm not going to make it. I'm really not. Perhaps 4 would be better...just don't see how I'll survive once you leave. Whimper, whimper, whine. Chris gets out of jail a whole 30 minutes before me!! It's not fair!! I demand a recount...
Chris: Yes, and Chris gets incarcerated 30 minutes before you everyday too. :) Leave early. Who'll know? There can't be anything going on around there. I am off to the bathroom to change and make me pretty. That should suck up a few minutes.
Me: True...but when I said "not fair", I meant for me, not you. I don't give a hoot about you. It's dog eat dog out there (reminds me of one of the all time greatest Norm lines from Cheers: "It's dog eat dog out there Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk-bone underwear.") so it's every person for themselves! I'd throw you under the bus just as soon look 'atcha! "Are you feelin' lucky, punk?" "Make my day!" "Asta la vista, baby!" "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" "I bet she give great helmet." "You talkin' to me?!" "Today (aaayyy) is our Independence Day (aaayyy)!" "Play it again, Sam!" "Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?" "Yippee ki ay, motherfucker!"
Tangent,much?
Chris: It is totally unfair that I am the only recipient of you wit and charm today. You're killing me.
Me: Well then, my job here is done. Amusing you, amuses me. Speaking of musing, since my last email, I've been pondering the comfort of Milk-bone underwear. What would they be stitched together with? How would you sit in them? Would they make a thong variety or just granny panties and briefs? Are they washable or do you just toss them at the end of the day and grab a new pair for tomorrow? Actually, there's a great idea!! Disposable underwear! C'mon, you can't tell me that bachelor's everywhere wouldn't be all over that! It's the million dollar idea I've been looking for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris: Have you eaten today? I am fearing for our lives if you start putting liquor in your system in this condition.
Get up, go straight to the deli, do not pass go, do not go to jail. Just put something, anything into your stomach. You have got to be feeling light headed.
Me: Good point. Thank you for your concern, mom. And as usual, you are completely right...I've had yogurt, Triscuits, a banana and a bowl of soup. But, alas, the deli is closed, so I'll just have to make do with a couple of enchiladas. And margaritas. Lots and lots of margaritas!!
You're leaving me now, aren't you. Fine. I'll meet you in exactly 20 minutes. You know the drill: gold, rocks, salt, please.
posted by kcterrilynn at 12:50 PM
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